Originally Posted by CalShep
I call it anxiety because of my history of panic attacks and the medication I'm on and the psychiatrist who diagnosed me. I call them insecurities because they've been with me my whole life. If I like to feel like I'm in control, it's because of an irrational fear of being hurt, rejected, and abandoned. If I'm on the verge of anything it's another panic attack. It sucks, I hate it that I have such difficulty managing my emotions, and I hate that DH has to deal with it.
I also realize I ramble and tend to not communicate super well in this particular media. I spill out a bunch of words and then don't often slow down to proofread. Sorry.
I am only speaking to this. Since you are getting a lot of advice on the rest of stuff. I too tend to ramble and honestly when someone here posted that I said something well DH made it a point to show me since I rarely think I'm making much sense!
I have panic problems, and anxiety, major depression, problems with my brain, disassociative problems. All diagnosed, all been medicated, all been issues that have had me hospitalized. All things that have been with me all my life and from what every therapist and psych tells me, stem from childhood. One I barely remember.
These are REASONS. Not excuses. They are REASONS, things are harder sometimes. Reasons that I need to ask for help, I need to be more careful with how I express myself. Reasons I need to take the time to think about what I really feel and why. Take a mental step back and ask myself, 'Is this REALLY upsetting me at a nine? Or is it a three and I'm ramping it up because of not feeling emotionally stable or safe right now?'
This means, unfortunately, more work for me. It also means frustration for the people that care about me. DH has been on this road with me for twenty years, so he knows a bit more of how to help and that there are times he can't. DC, not so much. He still gets quite frustrated over not being able to 'make it better'.
The thing is, you have these issues, sucks. YOU have to work harder than other people to deal with them. Sucks more. They are REASONS things are harder. NOT EXCUSES! To say that you behave a certain way or make a bigger deal of things or are not entirely appropriate in your reactions because of them is an excuse. It happens, sure, apologize, take a breath, figure out how you REALLY feel and how YOU have to deal with that.
The world does not bend to us because our brains have bad chemistry that makes this harder for us. At least, it shouldn't. There are days I don't know if I can do it anymore, working that much harder to get through what isn't so hard for everyone else, but I do. Because it's not going to be an excuse.
So my advice? Not about poly at all. Work on that. Work on your past issues, your anxiety, your panic, your need for control and how YOU can adapt and function. WITHOUT it being about everyone else. It's about you.