View Single Post
  #15  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:38 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default I admire people who hide nothing

they are the reason society doesn't burn witches, somebody has to continue on and stand their ground knowing that they are doing nothing wrong, and the people who refused to give up wrongful, unlawful control are Heroes.

Respect is the term I meant to use, but exactly the type of respect I meant is better illustrated in Waxy's working out boundaries with the spouse.

Your right, nobody should be forced to lie about their life, when I used the word respect I meant it within the context that the involved parties goal is to maintain their relationships. I do agree with you that it is also a responsible and respectful to tell a person that the relationship is not going to work out if they choose to remain closeted. The problem has nothing to do with poly people who live out nor is it with poly who live closeted, the problem is with public persecution.

When I called it hyper-respect, I was referring to negotiating boundaries with his spouse. I was referring to his question about now being the time to stand his ground. In specific terms, I was referring to the old adage of you catch more bees with honey. Most people are going to experience many overwhelming emotions as they figure out their life and how it works for them to live it without being bound by tradition and societies unrecognized hatred and violence to enforce traditional values as they won't allow anyone to enjoy life more than they are allowed to, but I don't want to get side-tracked.

Because allowing yourself and your spouse the freedom to experience love is such an emotionally confusing roller coaster, people are likely to have "blow outs" or "blow ups" here and there and all along the way til they find their poly path. Now I am speaking in the context of two people who began their relationship with each other monogamously and are discussing and experimenting. I should through in the disclaimor that this is just my view, but I feel the issues that arise from venturing beyond monogamy and eventually break up the relationship, those same issues that broke everything could have likely been non-issues if they had been dealt with differently. The thing about going from mono to poly is that it doesn't matter is his wife's fear are completely irrational, in fact I expect that most peoples fears are going to have some degree of being irrational because we are talking sharing the person you love. What I am saying is for couples who are trying to figure this all out, any time your partner brings up a concern, in this case displaying affection with others in public (regardless of the reason) any time they voice a complaint consider yourself lucky, and think twice about approaching the point of contention with a standing your ground point of view as that may not be experienced as nurturing your partners concerns

to be honest the number one killer of relationships (any relationship) is pretending something isn't bothering you if it is, so talking them out of their concern may actually be harming your relationship

but back on track with this post, rather than standing his ground, I would think he could get something closer to exactly what he wants if he approached it with hyper-respect, more along the lines of no questions asked, I will address your concern by completely eliminating the problem, maybe even a full nuther step back, as if to say, not only will I not kiss someone in public I am going to chill on dating for a week because You need to feel secure. If you at every bump in the road were treated in a manner like exponential back-off is used when collisions happen on computer networks, instead of breaking a relationship those issues often seem to a disappear.

granted, it doesn't always work, but when your concerns are met by your spouse and their lovers with hyper-respect, it goes a long way to reassure an emotionally distraught spouse that other parties do in fact care about them. It goes a long to way to show others that you genuinely do respect them and their relationship with your loved ones.

It only takes a perceived display of disrespect to derail a person's mind. It can mean the difference of a small detail like kissing in a dark dance club become a point of contention that ends the relationship a year down the road or two months from he could not only be kissing women in clubs but he could actually get ticketed by law enforcement for public indecency and his wife would belly laugh.

I guess my point is, dealing with every concern with exponential back-off, or hyper-respect the first time any detail becomes a concern can effectively make it not a concern when dealt with appropriately. Because these concerns may be irrational and over emotional, it is best to make sure your loved ones feel loved, then they might respond favorably

of course after six weeks or six months or maybe even six years and hyper-respect just isn't working, then of course it's a whole different ball game

but right out of the gate, the first or second time a specific appears as a point of contention, I am a firm believer in hyper-respect

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-07-2013 at 07:51 PM. Reason: typo
Reply With Quote