So it's been a week. Read the replies, appreciate them- even the harsher advice, which was a much-needed wake-up call. I do want to clarify a couple of things-
-DH and I have trust issues from our past. Even a little slip is enough to send me into a tizzy, and I know that's something I need to work on. Me reading his phone is a habit I got into after said trust issues came about- we now have an open-book policy with our phones (mutually). It's also a way for me to be kept in the loop without him having to summarize every detail. He generally is totally OK with it, which was one of 2 reasons things blew up.
-The other being my (clinical) anxiety/depression. PMS and need for a med adjustment was magnifying everything way beyond scope.
GalaGirl- I always love your posts. You have an awesome way of breaking things down and it helped me to see things from another angle.
Could ask him for time with him alone so you help yourself get your connection need met.
Could stop expecting him to mind reader your wants, needs and limits from the skies. He cannot meet a need he does not know you have right now.
Could let go of an unreasonable want for your partner to be mind reading psychic.
Thing is, we are typically excellent in our communication. The major stumbling blocks being my anxiety/insecurities and his occasional lapse in judgment or memory regarding things we've previously established. That's basically what kicked things down the hole.
Anyway, your links on the jealousy/exclusion were seriously helpful, as I think that's another one of my problems. My fear of rejection- to the extent of being constantly subconsciously doubtful of my worth as a person and partner. I need to work on that, for certain, completely re-train my mind.
Last but not least - you don't like that he gave her your phone number, but you have to know exactly how many times they each cum when they fuck? Is it ok with you if he tells her how many times you cum when he fucks you, and in what position(s)?
Surprise me. Say it ain't so.
1. It was not that he gave her my number. It was that he knows how I despise being taken unawares but didn't take that into consideration. Did I overreact? Yes. But there was a modicum of justification for some manner of upset.
2. It doesn't bother me in the least her knowing about my sex life with DH. We're rather open about that sort of thing. And yes, he has cleared it with GF beforehand (they have not had full-on sex yet).
3. We do not *fuck*. We *make love*. Major distinction. I don't grill him over the nitty gritty out of some need for control- I'm, to put it bluntly, a voyeur. Ideally I'd love to be present for their intimate time, but she's not comfortable with that yet so I'm not. Instead I like to get to hear a seductively sexy tale of his evening with his GF. It enhances our love life. And if GF wasn't OK with it I would respect her wishes. I understand it came across wrong because of my mood at the time. It was less about the details and more about the overarching fear that he'd suddenly changed his mind completely on everything we'd talked about and was shutting me out.
Anyway, we had a long, soul-baring talk the other night and are still working things out. We've gotten to a neutral place, at least, where we can continue to make decisions from. Right now it's about me facing my fears and insecurities head on, and it might hurt for a bit but I need to force myself to see that everything's going to be OK. Learning that it's OK to speak up, that just saying "Hey, could we spend an evening together instead?" is not tantamount to nagging and controlling.
Tomorrow DH is (hopefully) going on an out of town trip with GF for all day. Originally I was going to take the kids up separately and meet them at the zoo, but money's tight so now it's just them. This is going to be a good proving ground for me. A chance for me to shut down the part of me that turns these emotional molehills into mountains.