It's the one subject that I believe should be an "everybody on the same page" decision, that everyone must agree and anyone involved has the right to veto the decision of being out for any reason whatsoever.
Yes, I know it sucks, but the world and societies of human beings are a very ugly, violent, blind with denial in regards to what is considered acceptable. It is a disease that creeps into everything, and whether it's actual polyamory or any other flavor of non-monogamy, even when they day finally arrives that all civil rights are protected with equity and zero discrimination (which we currently appear quite a long way from) when or if those days come there will still be the hidden anger, there will still be all of the passive aggressive acts from those who keep their animosity cloaked.
We live in a world that would probably issue a nobel in social psychology for pointing out that all of the possible damage to children due to being raised in any alternative family system, all of the negative effect, or 100% of the damage is not
due to the alternative way of life but due directly to the human posed affliction and persecution of innocent people by a confused society.
So I strongly believe that the view of any involved party on being out, should always be respected. But that is just me and won't work for everyone.
In regards to your question of
Originally Posted by WaxyZissou
This leaves me feeling like, if now, when the situation has come up, isn't a good time to stand by your personal choices, when is?
Only you and those involved with you will know for sure what style of compromise best suits your relationships, but in general, it seems like the people have much better success with being hyper-respectful, and then humble when asking for any ground on anything that is important to you in regards to boundaries of your relationships. Many people will disagree with that statement, however I have found that showing hyper-respect often works like an eraser and sometimes magically erases all problems.
This phenomena occurs because when you are talking about polyamory, their tends to be many many strong emotions involved that can be extremely confusing, which often leads to the real root of problems being assigned to the wrong bush or tree, and it really sucks when you eradicate plants or chop down trees that were never the problem.
I don't know how to explain it other than it works similar to the way that honesty works. The same way that sex with others isn't a problem when all involved are explicitly honest and fully disclose their intentions, but the same behavior is a problem when lies, deception, or even being misleading occurs, well it's damn near the same thing with having to compromise. You may find yourself absolutely astonished and amazed at how powerful acts of hyper-respect can be, to the point that it never ceases to amaze me how often the need to compromise disappears, as the point of contention is suddenly no longer a problem.
I am completely in the dark though, as to why or how such an anomaly works though