I'm talking to T online last night in a social chat, and she seemed distracted. She says she's just tired. We retire to private for a bit before planning to sign off. There's less distraction, but again, she is tired. We sign off. I do my ritual of sending her a good night text and fall asleep. Two hours later she sends me a goodnight text back. She lives two time zones away. It's currently an online relationship, but I'll see her in July, so I think of it more as a long distance relationship.
T is a white liar. She hides her poly side from 2 of her 3 boyfriends (M is one). One knows nothing except she's online a lot. One online she lies to directly (she's been with him in real life too), though he knows she has a real life bf. She's got at least one other online regular playmate, and a friend that I think is now platonic, but was also a lover. She sees lying as necessary to protect other people's feelings. M would be leave her if he knew she and I were together, but she has no interest in an exclusive relationship with M for a variety of reasons. M isn't exclusive either. So to protect the relationship they have, she lies to him. I certainly see the logic, even if I can't deal with it myself.
I have told her that I can't deal with lying. I'm very insecure when it comes to relationships and if I can't that the person I'm with is telling the truth, then I become a nervous wreck. She seems to understand that and has trusted me with all her stories. I know about all (most?) of the boyfriends.
So here's where I'm confused. All the evidence points to that she wasn't tired. She was with one of her other men last night. If she told me, of course my feelings would have been hurt, but I've never tried to make her mine exclusively nor make her feel bad for not spending time with me instead. In fact, quite the opposite. I fear we spend too much time together. But she didn't tell me, and when you're "so tired" you don't spend two hours getting ready for bed.
But what if she did? Maybe some email. Got distracted. She does take 30 minutes easy getting ready for bed. Could it have taken two hours? It's unlikely, but it's possible.
I KNOW she loves me very much. She wouldn't trust me the way she does if that wasn't the case. She's an extremely private person, but has let me in with details that could destroy her personal and public life.
So I don't know whether to confront her with accusations that are likely true, but in the grand scheme of things are just my insecurities. It doesn't really matter if she said good night because she was tired or because she had a date. That's the way she thinks. And logically it's true. I think, of course, it matters because if you lied to me about that, what else are you lying to me about?
I'll probably confront her. It's the way I am. I won't be able to hide my worry. All that will come of it is we will both be hurt though.
Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest