View Single Post
  #24  
Old 04-06-2013, 05:54 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 825
Default

Ahh stressful. I don't see that you did anything wrong, nobody did, I imagine R didn't know what she'd be feeling until she was already in the middle of it, and an hour is a short enough time that it hopefully would've gone smoothly for all involved even if she had a few moments of angst. I don't know if you'd been open to J about how important she was to you (I'll guess you have been) and perhaps if R didn't know that, she feared without kissing/hugging in front of J, that she was dismissed as a less important partner (LD would contribute to that for a lot of people).

The only thing I could think of to do in the future if the relationship with R continues, is that you go out of your way to ask her what would make her comfortable if she is present with your other partners in the future, and maybe to suggest a "signal" if she needs a break or minute aside with you. That's not so easy during a short sit down visit, but for parties or events should be very workable.

I like all GG's advice except for I probably wouldn't ever say "J checked in and she thought it was fine" in case R is worried about comparing - "J is fine with everything so they are thinking and discussing that there's some problem with me!" New is stressful, I remember a decade ago totally liking my boyfriends new partner but being overwhelmed with the new social situation without an escape plan in place. As long as R is open to communicating about ways to do it better in the future I'd be optimistic. If R is shut off from finding ways to move past the discomfort, then I'd imagine there won't be much chance of moving past a compartmentalized relationship, which has its own thoughts to think about.

I guess my main worry would be her displacing her upset with HERSELF for not speaking up sooner and her upset with YOU onto R (who it seems behaved decently, politely, and friendly like), and I'd be focused on clearing that up before much else.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote