(more random thoughts that kicked in as the pain pills kicked in)
Our talks were very encouraging though. Her being real with me allowed me to open up a bit more. We at one point discussed comfort levels and I opened up to having issues with things that should be, in my head, done by me as his wife. Stupid shit really, but to me I should be the one making the socks for his tabi boots. I should be the one sewing his garb, taking care of him when he's ill, etc. I get that it doesn't really matter in the broad scheme of things, but it's something that has always bothered me. When he was sick one day I gave him some allergy meds before he went to see Cookie. He didn't take them and came home with EXACT same medication that Cookie made him take. It bothered me. To me it made me look like a bad wife for not forcing him to take them. When he asked Pixi to make his tabi socks he told me she had offered, she told me he asked, regardless, they take 30 seconds to make and I felt like my 'sewing magic' wasn't good enough and he had to find someone else.
As stupid as that may sound, I was able to express it it to Pixi and she immediately responded with "Yes! I told him that! I asked him "shouldn't you ask your wife to do that?"" And to be honest, knowing she felt that way makes it a lot easier for me to just shrug it off and say, well now I have someone to help with the sewing. I don't get jealous easily and I am a pretty confident person. But when I feel my ability to be his wife is in question, even if it's only in question in my own head, I get pissed. I could care less about being judged on any other platform, but being judged on my wifely abilities is a trigger. My own created trigger, but still a trigger. When we broke our marriage my part in it was not being a wife. I had become so secluded and depressed I failed at being a wife, and that caused him to look elsewhere. I know that in the last three years we have rebuilt something amazing, so much stronger than it ever was before, but when he looks to someone else to do something I could very easily do, I feel that I am somehow not living up to my wifely duties. I guess I have never forgiven myself for my part in our problems.
But this is the amazing thing about having a metamour that is real with me. I can be real with her and can sort things out and not fear the outcome. I can be honest and up front about an issue and we can reach a pretty quick resolution. I can feel safe to be open about my own insecurities and not fear that she will in some way turn it around to use against me or him. In looking back on experiences in life it is human nature to question why. Why we had to go through something, why certain relationships ended. At the moment, I'm pretty sure all that we've been through in our poly journey has brought us to this point. It prepared us for the honesty and openness required to make this work. We learned from mistakes and realized the traits in others to avoid. It made me a better wife, a stronger person and a more compersion filled metamour.
I'm not going to try to predict the future or claim to know why Pixi came into our lives. But I am confident that the last three years of our journey gave us the tools to be able to be right where we are now. So in some weird round about way, I am thankful for the drama and bullshit, for the fights, the deceptions and the learning experiences. Tonight when Karma came home to us giggling in the living room with dinner ready and waiting for him, things felt complete. And I once again was able to prove that I am true to my word. In the beginning of their dating I asked for time and patience. I needed to see what she was really about before I was comfortable letting her into my home and my life. I didn't know how long that would take or if I would ever reach that point, but I knew from the past that pushing the issue was not going to solve anything. I have learned my heart and learned that sometimes I just need a little time to see how things play out. Karma and I have finally built a trust that allowed him to give me that time and tonight I think he was happy to see the good it did. And I was happy to not only gain some more time getting to know her, but to prove to Karma once again that I really can be taken at my word.
Last edited by Mohegan; 04-06-2013 at 04:20 AM.