Originally Posted by wildflowers
FOL, I hope this works out ok for you, but I worry. I see that what you were doing was not working, in that Matt was not at all happy, and clearly things needed to change. But you have undergone such a radical shift in perspective that it is hard to believe that it will turn out to suit you.
You say "I am struggling to see the benefits" [to polyamory] and perhaps right now that is true, but as far as I can tell you were happy for the previous 12 years, and that sounds like a benefit to me. And I don't really understand how you seem to be invalidating that.
Yes, it had problems; yes, it could have been done a lot better. And maybe you really do need to focus on your marriage right now.
But I worry that because of the current problems, and perhaps out of guilt, you are going to try to shut yourself into a box where you will not fit.
So I guess I just hope that the recognition of some new aspects to the last years of your life that you were previously oblivious to doesn't cause you to totally deny or negate what you did experience.
And I apologize if I've misinterpreted, but this is how it has come across to me.
No need to apologise.
It stems from feeling like it only benefited me. I was happy. I had two primary loves. I had double the support. I had, I had, I had. It feels like it was only about me and what was best for me. That is why I feel selfish. Initially it was guilt. Then, I stepped out of that phase. The question I started pondering was, "Outside of me who did it benefit all that time?" That is when I started thinking about the negatives and what was really happening outside of my happy bubble. My time was divided like a pie chart. Who would really be happy or merely content with giving A+ effort all the time in exchange for C- effort on my end? I realised that my hubby had made all kinds of concessions to be accommodating for my other relationship. Sleeping alone, picking up new hobbies, me missing things due to prior obligations, sharing parental responsibilities with someone he never viewed as family, and the laundry list goes on. I felt like he compromised too much. It did not matter in the moment. I was able to be poly-go-lucky self and be happy, but I have opened my eyes and started wondering at what cost? The irony is he does not feel this way, but I do.
Even now, in the aftermath of this war, people are still getting hurt. A 12 year relationship has ended. Like nothing. I know that has to hurt. It would have been 13 years in June. 12 years of love, ups and downs, celebrations, joy, bliss, euphoria, happy moments, and all these things. Now, it's just over.
By choice, I am just not focused on myself, so that is how I have negated every feeling and emotion from that time frame. I feel like it has been about me all along, so in changing and in an effort to be less selfish, I have changed that aspect and put the focus on someone else.
I do not know if I will be happy with this. I cannot say. I am happy now because I will not allow myself to feel anything else. I have to keep my emotions in check. DH is wondering if I am really going to be happy being the happy little "mono" wife? My only response to that is, "If I am not looking for something new or lamenting over who/what I used to be, I have no chance to miss it or yearn for it. I am focused on this." This shift has caught him by surprise, too. This is the last thing he was expecting.