Originally Posted by opalescent
I am all kinds of triggered by this blog http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43290
I thought about posting in the blog but realized that it probably wouldn't be productive for me or the OP. So I put it here.
Because of who I am, my past, I identified most readily with Si in that thread. She's going through a queer woman's nightmare. She put in 12 years with her partner, was apparently treated as a co-primary, (even as that turned out not to be what the husband or wife later wanted), developed a relationship with the children, developed a friendship and a brief relationship with the husband. And has lost all of it - partner, friendship and relationship with the children - in a month. And they are moving continents away.
Maybe she was a demanding pain in the ass. Maybe she shouldn't have assumed she was a co-primary. Maybe she shouldn't have been around so much or been better at picking up hidden subtle emotional cues. Maybe she should have gone to counseling with them. And they're not her kids although she has been around them their entire life. And there are opportunities for them elsewhere that do not involve her. Relationships do have a lifespan. Perhaps being dumped will be the best thing that has ever happened to her. She can find her own primary, have kids of her own if she wants. I hope that turns out to be true.
But really, having the husband turn on her so suddenly, have the wife go into guilt-ridden crisis, decide to end the long term relationship and be a monogamous wife. Maybe that is the best choice for all involved. I hope so.
But what I imagine Si feeling on being dumped is 'I love you but you are not good enough. You are not a man, we do not have kids together, I choose him and them over you and you can just suck it up and be happy for me in my new conventional life a continent away that cannot include you.' This is a queer woman's nightmare.
My heart breaks for Si. And in all the oddly toned comments on the thread about the breakup, 'Go you, follow your path. No labels, fuck yeah!', no one mentioned Si. This bothers me.
Yes, I am projecting. I am well aware of this.
Yes, you are projecting. At no point did I ever say she was not good enough for me. At no point did I ever say she was not a man and not worthy enough to be in my presence or anything even in that realm. I never believed in labels. I can believe in God, but do I have to label myself as an Evangelist, Anglican, or any other religious form? No. Same thing. I can believe in poly, but I do not have to label myself. I practise it, lived it, and firmly believe in it.
You have no idea how I am dealing with this. I do not cry over people. This is a lesson for me. How many times have the words "move forward" been used on this website? Am I supposed to just stop and let my presumed sadness depress me to the point of losing weight, stressing out, or anything that is not healthy? Have I ever said that she should put a condom on and fuck her feelings? I am unaware that I did.
THIS bothers me. It implies that I never cared about her and used her as a means of fun. If that were true, then I have been using people since my teen years and all those relationships were meaningless. I guess I never loved them either. You can love someone with every drop of your soul, but sometimes you are not meant to be. I walked away to focus on my marriage. I was *this* close to losing it due to my selfish ass choices. I am not guilt-ridden. I realise how much pain has been caused because of ME. How is that supposed to make me feel? I sacrificed so much to be "me," and I nearly lost everything. That was humbling for me, and it made me feel like I have to change something and in a big way. I cannot just change my approach and my behaviour. That was not good enough because I am still human, and I may make the same mistakes again. Someone phrased it as self-inflicted punishment. No, it is something to bring me back down to earth and a lesson to value things and people and never take them for granted. Who did I take for granted? My family. It is not choosing one over the other or saying she is not good enough for me. It is saying I need to learn how to value ONE before I dare to value TWO at the same time. My attention has to be on one thing right now. I made mistakes. Tons of them. I messed up a thousand and one times. Maybe I should have stopped being so caught up in what I wanted and listened to someone else. Maybe will not change anything. It happened and this is the aftermath. Let it be a lesson that I will never forget.