Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 04-05-2013, 11:16 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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I have to vent.

I am sorry that I am not some overemotional wreck over the end of my relationship. It took me five years to cry after my great-grandmother passed away. I was super close to her. I could not cry. I saw her body at the funeral and just looked at her. I put the fact that I would never hear her voice or see her again out of my mind. It hit me when I realised she would never meet my children or see the woman she helped to raise become something. You know how I reacted? I said screw God because any being or whatever does not deserve my praise for inflicting such a jacked up level of pain.

I know grief. I lost my aunt, grandfather, and great-grandmother in less than 12 months. Oh and my aunt was diagnosed with a strain of breast cancer that would have killed her in 2 months with no treatment. I am no stranger to pain. Walk in my shoes before you say anything about what I am feeling or thinking. You also cannot say how I am dealing with the end. Let me do this in my own way. If my feelings upset you, that is something you have to deal with.

I lost a very important person in my life, and the timing is fucked. I get that. Si has lost a lot in a little amount of time. I cannot repair everything on my own. Team work, right? I could not force her to attend counselling. I could not force her to understand why moving was important. Could she have been less involved after having discussions to reconfigure things? Possibly. Could I have kept them apart? Possibly but for how long? Would the ban of her being in our home ever been lifted? No. Matt has to live there, too, and if something makes me uncomfortable, I know I keep it at bay. Pushing this would have lead to even more arguments and drama.

I was not happy with the way things were going with Si. Do not call me a sorry ass person. I did what I felt that I had to do. My husband was on the other side of the planet and heavily contemplating divorce. My ex-girlfriend was shutting me out, angry over the decision to move, and avoiding me. Matt returned. She was upset. In the entire almost two week span of him being gone, I saw her a limited amount of times. I called and/or sent text messages every single day. "Do you want to meet for lunch?" The calls went to voicemail and texts were ignored. When we finally did talk a week before we broke up, she was upset because I was with Matt the entire weekend. Mind you, we had no plans, so I was puzzled as to why she was even mad. I still do not know. I found myself becoming more and more distant. She did not want to hear about me moving. That was an important thing in my life, and I wanted to share that with her. I was shut down. She did not want to hear about the agreements we had reached. Nothing that even pertained to her, but it was happy news because it was a glimmer of hope. She did not want to hear that. She stopped coming around our children, and the oldest noticed it. I brought it to her attention that mini me was noticing that she was not around. Her behaviour did not improve, and I know I never blocked her from seeing them. Hell, I was the one reaching out and inviting her to happenings in my daughter's life. "She has a recital at 6, or we are going to the park at x time. Can you meet us a Pret-a-Manger or M.C. because she wants you to help her pick out clothes?" She did not accept any of the offers. Our daughter is almost five, and she had been there since before she was even born. Of course, she was going to notice that she was missing. I gave her space and decided that if she really wants to talk, she will come to me, but I never expected that she would shut the children out. That was a red flag for sure. It is what made me start questioning her role as a co-parent. Even in divorce and hard times, parents have to focus on the needs of their children, and if she loved them, whatever was going on in either dynamic should not have stopped her from being there for them. They did not ask for any of this.

So no I am not shedding tears and picking up the fragments of my life. We all deal with things differently. If I see that something is not working, what am I supposed to do? Keep doing it and forcing it to work? That WOULD be stupid. Never did I ever say Si no longer fit into my world. I said I did not want a romantic relationship with her. If someone starts hurting my children or retreating from me, am I supposed to keep pushing or accepting that? I made the decision to focus on my marriage because it needed time to heal, and it required my undivided attention. My relationship was on unstable ground, and yes, it was stressful. Not just for me but for her. Continuing on like that was not healthy for anybody. It stopped being a relationship and became something beyond definition. We were just together. I know a lot had been going on, but I asked her how she was feeling and really doing? I seriously wanted to know. I assumed that she was hurting, but I never heard it. I was shut out then, too, or hit with the okie doke of..."Fine." After asking questions, I realised that she was not willing to talk about it. I stopped pushing her and pulled away. That is not to say I no longer love her or never cared for her. This is just a battle that I could not fight or win. I knew when to concede. The bad juju was going to carry over into my marriage. If we were already on rocky ground, how many times could I bring up my problems with her before they started overshadowing ours? Talking about a loss of balance again. It became too much to handle.

I never said I had just cut her out and etched her face out of pictures either. I have no intentions of doing that. Cutting her off would be saying stay the hell away from the children I gave birth to, changing my number, and ignoring her if I see her. I never said that. We can be cordial. I would like to get to the point of being friends, but I am not pushing the issue. Meanwhile, life stops for nobody. I cannot allow myself to be depressed or resentful over a breakup. It happened, and I have to move on. I read the stages of grief, but it is not my cup of tea. I am healing in the way I see fit, and it is sparking controversy and remarks from outsiders looking in.

I am empathetic to everything Si is feeling, and I never wanted to hurt her. I regret that things had to end this way. Realistically, I am not in the position to handle two unstable relationships that are on life support with someone standing there waiting to turn off the machines. I am teaching myself a lesson and accepting that it was just entirely too much to handle at once. I only have so much time and energy. If I am already weary and worn down from one relationship's woes, I knew that giving my all to another would end with somebody still getting the short end of the stick and feeling like I was only giving partial effort. That would be true and wrong of me on so many levels. We would be right back at point A with the math being off and making the same mistakes.

This has been a humbling lesson. Appreciate what you have before you end up with nothing. That is the path I was about to walk down. Disagreeing with my husband over custody, struggling to maintain my rocky relationship, dealing with a painful divorce, and the worst part of all: our poor children would have been in the middle. So if someone asks me was poly worth it...I will have to let them know at a later date.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-06-2013 at 06:05 AM.
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