I am all kinds of triggered by this blog http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43290
I thought about posting in the blog but realized that it probably wouldn't be productive for me or the OP. So I put it here.
Because of who I am, my past, I identified most readily with Si in that thread. She's going through a queer woman's nightmare. She put in 12 years with her partner, was apparently treated as a co-primary, (even as that turned out not to be what the husband or wife later wanted), developed a relationship with the children, developed a friendship and a brief relationship with the husband. And has lost all of it - partner, friendship and relationship with the children - in a month. And they are moving continents away.
Maybe she was a demanding pain in the ass. Maybe she shouldn't have assumed she was a co-primary. Maybe she shouldn't have been around so much or been better at picking up hidden subtle emotional cues. Maybe she should have gone to counseling with them. And they're not her kids although she has been around them their entire life. And there are opportunities for them elsewhere that do not involve her. Relationships do have a lifespan. Perhaps being dumped will be the best thing that has ever happened to her. She can find her own primary, have kids of her own if she wants. I hope that turns out to be true.
But really, having the husband turn on her so suddenly, have the wife go into guilt-ridden crisis, decide to end the long term relationship and be a monogamous wife. Maybe that is the best choice for all involved. I hope so.
But what I imagine Si feeling on being dumped is 'I love you but you are not good enough. You are not a man, we do not have kids together, I choose him and them over you and you can just suck it up and be happy for me in my new conventional life a continent away that cannot include you.' This is a queer woman's nightmare.
My heart breaks for Si. And in all the oddly toned comments on the thread about the breakup, 'Go you, follow your path. No labels, fuck yeah!', no one mentioned Si. This bothers me.
Yes, I am projecting. I am well aware of this.