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Old 04-05-2013, 06:45 PM
RainyGrlJenny's Avatar
RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 192

I seem to be a bit in the minority here, as I absolutely want sex when I'm having a conflict with a partner. I think something about being touched, sharing that energy, centers and calms me, reminds me that I am loved and desired. In fact, years ago when Fly tried to break up with me (I just wouldn't go ), I asked him "Can we please fuck for a while and then talk some more?" Lucky for me, Fly totally gets my twisty mind and heart.

But honestly, when I'm upset or angry, I crave the physical interaction of sex. It hasn't happened yet, but I could imagine seeking it from another partner if it wasn't on the table with the partner I'm in conflict with. However, if it bothered one of my loves or hurt them when I did that, I would certainly reconsider the action. It surely can't heal a rift when the way you find comfort piles more pain onto the situation.

Additionally, I have discussed with both my partners and have agreed between the three of us that it's ok to get support from another partner if there is conflict, but that it's not okay to bad mouth one lover to another. Those are the lines we've drawn, because even though each relationship is private, I would seek advice from or vent to my close friends, and my partners are my best friends of all.

I also feel like the root of the conflict matters; when Fly and I have a problem, which is rare, it's usually a deep, soul-bruising kind of thing that takes a toll on our headspace and emotional reserves. With Moonlight, it's more that we sometimes irritate each other or get on the other one's nerves. Those are easy for me to shake off, so I don't require as much comfort or reassurance.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I understand how sex and physical intimacy can play a role in self-care during times of strife, but that taking your partner's well-being into consideration is paramount if you're actually seeking to mend the relationship or resolve the argument.

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy, ultimately amicable breakup), and his 10-year-old son Kiddo
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