Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 04-05-2013, 10:13 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default My Feelings

So I am supposed to inspire and encourage? Mmm-k.

This transition has not been easy. Contrary to popular belief, it is not some walk in Hyde Park or jaunt through Kensington Gardens. Please. It is more like quitting an addiction cold turkey. Love being the addiction of choice.

It takes just as much effort and time to transition from one to the other. If ever anyone thought it was just a matter of saying it and thy will be done, you are sadly mistaken. I am not sad over the end of my relationship. I am not an emotionally oriented person, so crying, listening to Adele or Etta James, or even wallowing in sadness is just not my thing. I would rather move forward and grieve in my own way. Lamenting about what was is pointless. It is not going to change my mind.

Poly taught me that sometimes the best things you want may not be the things you need. I have to be honest when I say that I am struggling to see the benefits. Oh I had the hubby who was "accepting," but what came of that? I was able to be myself, love who I wanted, and live in a bubble surrounded by people wielding sharp pins. My world just deflated and collapsed, but damn I am happy.

Here is the problem with that so-called acceptance. It came at one major cost. Matt resented me for what I believed in after my relationship took precedence over my marriage. All along he kept telling me, "Sweetheart, I only exchanged vows with one of you. If I viewed you both as equals, I would add her to the will, include her in postnuptial agreements, pay her alimony, have kids with her, and treat her like my wife." What did I hear all of that? Limited amount. You know he could not remember why he loved me? I was the same woman he married in 2002. The woman who was his best friend and could feel what he felt just as much and sometimes more. I was the woman who was there when the harsh waves of life crashed. I was his safe harbour. In the aftermath? I was the last person he wanted to be around. He left on Mothering Day morning. The day where mothers are honoured, and he could not wait to get away from me. Me. The mother of his children. The love of his life. How was I supposed to feel? I knew something had to change.

While he was gone, we talked every now and then. We used to talk every single day. We had lunch dates. We used to go for romantic strolls in the park and take weekend trips to are the countryside. We would disconnect from all technology and just enjoy being around each other. Crazy, huh? The opposite of what I just described. I spent that time working on myself. I had to figure out how I wanted to proceed. He was doing the same. His idea was to try to deal with the situation and work with me to keep the marriage and relationship. My idea was to focus on the marriage, let it heal, and work on us with no distraction or outside influences taking time or energy away from it. Much like certain people limiting the amount of partners they have. I have chosen to limit it to one to repair what we have and not worry about what I may or may not ever want. Living for today. Not for what may happen in 10 years. I did not cave to what my husband wanted. He wanted something different. I did not want him to have to keep compromising and being accommodating time and time again. Matt has been doing that. Clearly the formula was not working, which meant a new one needed to be created.

I never thought about how my ex's involvement with our children would ultimately explode. Here is a lesson for anyone reading this. Ask your partners how they feel about a person's involvement. Si was a co-parent without the responsibility. I agree that she should not have been given that title or even assumed that role. I shield the blame for that. Matt came to me numerous times regarding that very thing. I wanted an interdependent Poly family where all adults had equal say and rights. Red alert. Red alert. I could not have created a more messed up situation if I tried.

There was no balance. We were and still are parents 24 hours a day. We do not get to say, "Today feels like a nice day to be a parent." It is part of us until the end of time. Si chose when to be one. Family discussions regarding the children? She was there. Ballet recitals, doctor's appointments, scary dreams, and anything else? It was always if her social calendar allowed it. I never saw it until it was pointed out. We never limited her access or controlled how often she could see them either.

Matt used the analogy of asking his brother from another mother about buying a car without consenting with me. Finances involve every member of the family, so if he takes money from our holiday fund, that would be wrong. He brought it home with, "He is part of the family, so I/we should view him as an equal. You should be alright with me asking loved ones for decisions that involve you, me, or the kids and let them make decisions for us because they are "family." His whole argument has been that she was never part of HIS idea of family, so she should never have been given all those rights without proper discussion. I see that now. We can accept opinions from loved ones, but the final decision should always be ours to make.

In the wake of our untimely end, she has not called or asked to see the children. There is no rule that says she has to see me. I can arrange for a third party to be there. My daughter asked about her. I had no idea what to say. She wanted to know if she would be at her recital tonight. I cannot answer that. I would rather not because if I tell her she is and she bails...that would break her heart. I do not want her to get hurt by adult business.

I have no regrets.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-05-2013 at 10:30 AM.
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