Hi SC, what I mean is that I am erasing my lines. I'm not talking basic principles here. I'm talking assumptions that I've made about life that were un-tested. I am exploring. I am playing with my edges.
I go through this process to challenge my beliefs. I play with them. I question them. But I question them in practice, not in theory. For years, decades, sometimes my lifetime, I work a certain way, then I embark on a project that examines my beliefs. It's part of my process of coming into integrity with myself.
For example, when this person approached me, I'd said no outright to poly. I'd done some reading on it before. I thought it was a cool idea. I have a similar concept that I called the hut theory, but I didn't ever think I would live it so I shelved it.
My hut theory was that I could be in relationship with a man, but still maintain my individual living space. We would have separate huts. AND, he would have several huts that he could visit or stay in. We could all live in close proximity, but we would have our own spaces. We would visit and interact with each other. In a sense, we would be a family. Similar to Big Love on HBO, but not necessarily with marriage vows.
He would be in relationship would any women he wanted. I never really thought about who the other women would be in relationship with. I didn't see myself with multiple men. The reason I liked the hut theory is because I have LOTS of interest outside of being with one person. I like the company of men. I like interacting and relating with them. I love the physical intimacy. I also like having my own space. I like doing my own thing. AND, I feel a sisterhood with women that I want to develop in deep relationships, not many relationships. I saw us all hanging out together.
So, while I said no to poly on approach, when he explained his idea of poly to me, I found that there was significant overlap with my hut theory. That's how I agreed to move forward.
What he didn't mention was that his current girlfriend is VERY traditional. He may have known this, but they were swingers. In her mind, this was another sexual exploration. It might be long term, but it was "just sex" (she actually said this).
We've had several conversations about where she is. I decided to leave that alone and concentrate on my relationship with him since we are at the beginning. I figured he could iron that out with her.
In theory, he had his idea about how this would go, but I don't think that he considered the reality of being in relationship with two people who live in the same area and are in the same circles.
So, in that sense, it's new to all of us. We are adjusting.
Just to bring theory to reality, I brought it up this morning in the context of my outing this weekend with my friends.
I explained that I wanted to tell my friends about him. In a mono relationship this is never a discussion. Although, I think it should be.
One of my friends is a girl around town. She knows EVERYONE. She's at every party, in every club. She's likely seen him with his girlfriend together. The other one was at a party with the two of them a couple weeks ago.
So, the question came up about if I'm going to share his picture.
Of course I would. It's my girlfriends. We're gabbing. I've been seeing him for a month now. They know something is going on. That's how the conversations go.
I could feel that that was the first time he really GOT what this means in reality.
I'm his girlfriend. I'm not the other woman. I'm not his dirty little secret. I'm not telling stories about our relationship. I'm not his friend. How are we going to explain this?
He may have thought about it, in theory, but now we have a real life situation to deal with.
So, we ended the conversation with me not saying anything for now, and all three of us having a conversation about how we want to approach things.
I'm okay with that. I don't want to pretend with my friends. I'm willing to give all of us the time to work this out. We'll see what comes of the conversation among the 3 of us.