Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 04-04-2013, 11:19 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

In my experience as practising poly, I am not entirely sure I learned anything beneficial that stuck with me. Outside of communicate, communicate, communicate, I have limited advice.

I will say that it is not for everyone. Opening a marriage or relationship can make a break you. I strongly discourage seeking someone to fix your marriage or to spice it up. I disagree with that. Fix your own problems and keep an innocent person's feelings out of it.

Be prepared to miss important things happening in each other's lives. There are only 24 hours in the day and with work, children, prior commitments, etc. just accept that there is only one of you. The heart may open and accommodate more. Time? No way. I spent most of my time in motion and never got the chance to slow down.

Accept that some people are not meant to be long-term. Cut it off at dating and move on. I am not an emotional person, so crying over someone I have known a couple of months. My feelings would not be that strong anyway.

Regardless as to how people try to invalidate your feelings, know that they are valid and deserve attention. Never let someone tell you that jealousy is foolish. You feel that way for a reason.

When you first open, people might run the opposite direction. Losing friends and family sometimes happens. My own mother was disappointed in me. She said that she and my father did not raise me to break my vows and to treat the sanctity of marriage like a fmeeting encounter. My MIL never accepted my ex. In her eyes, Matt was out of his mind for staying with me and defending me. In turn, they stopped speaking. Even when they made amends, she still did not accept my ex. If anything, her disdain kicked into high gear. Sending Christmas gifts and intentionally not sending one to her? It happened. Making dinner reservations for a certain amount of people and intentionally leaving her out? It happened all the time. Blackballing her from all family events including weddings, parties, holidays, etc. It happened. She was part of me and treated like the plague. Nothing prepared me for the harsh reality that what I believe in might cause issues with loved ones.

This might rub a few wrong, but take NRE with a grain of salt. You do not meet the real person for awhile. They send a representative on their behalf and show their true self down the line. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. People caught up in NRE have brains made of mush. I have seen people leave families because of being caught up in NRE. That does little to assuage the fears that some have about being replaced or abandoned.

Know that you are good enough and pretty amazing on your own. You do not have to be poly because your partner is either. Ten times to one, you will wonder why they need something more or why you are not enough. You could be everything he/she desires and has prayed to the God for, but they will still be looking for more.

If your relationship has issues or if you are already miserable, do not open. As a mother, I. have to say that during pregnancy and about the first year after are the worst times ever. A demanding newborn, unstable hormones, a partner caught up in NRE and having to balance day to day life means somebody is going to be left out in the cold. Your partner should not be off sexing the PYT while you are holding down the home while 8 months pregnant with 2 or more other demanding children in the house.

You have to consider others and what they want and need. I did not, and my husband left for a period of time. You have to be a good listener. Hear them out when they come to you. Avoid getting irritated. I do not care if you feel like he/she is a broken record. That means that you have done nothing to help them feel better or to reassure them. If you are like me, you might have heard it but did not process it or let it sink in.

I dislike this word because it never ends up fair for all. Compromise. Compromise on some things but know that having limits is perfectly acceptable. If your partner tells you, right now there is too much going on in our lives to add more people, respect that and understand that he or she is not trying to stifle your supposed needs to function. Later means later. Not never. If you have a poly-mono relationship going, accept that he/she gave up their beliefs system to have a relationship with you. The least you can do is slow your behind down and work with them to make sure they are comfortable and really ready for what this entails. Some people act like it is race or competition to get all you can while the getting is good. Slow the hell down.

When dating or trying to find people, understand this. Some people are just not okay with fucking married people or people in LT relationships. It is not the end of the world. Move on and learn from each experience. Groping and listening to Adele and lamenting over what never would have ever been anyway is pointless. Focus your efforts on finding like minded people.

Hmm. What else?

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-04-2013 at 11:24 AM.
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