My boyfriend and I started off being poly. And my girlfriend was also in an open relationship when we met her. And while we were both into my girlfriend when we met, and she wanted to date both of us, I was very much against it (because I had just come out of a bad couple dating thing and I didn't want to do that again) so my boyfriend and my girlfriend just dated each other for about a year (which was good because, man, did I have a lot of emotional insecurity to work thorough and personally I think it was easier with me -not- dating her at the time so I could get a grip on my fears of sharing this man I loved while not also trying to emotionally support and be with her) all the while my girlfriend and I were becoming closer friends. Then when she got into a one year grad program across the country she asked if we could try to plan on landing in the same city (I was about to apply for grad school) and if we could start thinking of all three of us as a family unit. And that sounded scary but deeply worth while to me. So we became a long distance triad for a year and then moved in together in a different city. It was very hard and we really struggled. On top of moving and moving in together both of my partners have been through major depression in the past three years so it's not a cake walk. We are in therapy and we work on our relationship every day. But we love what we have and fight for it. We have all grown in to many ways to count. It's been the most rewarding, growing, terrifying, fun, demanding, painful, lovely and loving experience of my life.
I know it's not a normal unicorn hunt. And I see a lot of the flaws in that. But I also deeply understand the drive for a relationship shaped like this. For awhile what kept us together was how much we loved being a triad when all our dyads were being deeply tested. I know why people mistrust the way most couples look for a third, I have seen to go down in flames over and over again (and have been an active part of it in the past) but I do think there is a way to do it. And I think it's worth trying for. And I think anything we care about and don't know how to do is likely going to hurt and blow up... but I don't think that means we shouldn’t try or try to talk other people out of trying. Maybe one day someone will have figured out a lot better how to make a couple initiated triad work with people who had been mono... but it won't happen if we tell them it's impossible. We are the people who know a relationship can look how ever we want it to look if we find the right people and are willing to work our asses off for it. Everyone else in the world is going to tell these people they are crazy and stupid and are going to crash and burn... and I thought we built the community so there were some people who would help instead of assume the worst. At least that's what I want to build.
I'll give you all the tools I have and all the hippie good will and hope I can muster because I don't know what is possible and I hope your relationships can look however the fuck you want them to look.