Much Ado about Lunch
I had lunch with Nyx today.
We met at a restaurant we'd been to several times before; she was on her lunch break, I was on my way home after a morning in the office, with an afternoon of grading and schlepping to look forward to.
(As it happened, schlepping girls here and there took priority; I've settled down to grading this evening, and am currently about halfway done with the first and most urgent grading task.)
It was the first I'd seen Nyx since the day she broke off with me, back in August. We greeted each other with a warm hug, which we held a bit too long, perhaps, for just a hello between friends.
Then, we talked.
Oh, my, but it was good to see her. I'm still trying to sort out the feelings that welled up in me, all of them good. No matter how deep I dig, I can't find any bad feeling toward her at all.
(I do know that Nyx reads this thread, but I'm not really holding anything back here. If I'd felt anything negative toward her, I would have found a way to bring it up with her today, or in recent email exchanges.)
(It occurs to me - as I extend this parenthetical digression beyond all bounds of sense - that there's an odd ethical quandary here. As I sort out my feelings on this thread, I may discover things and articulate things I have not yet expressed to Nyx directly, things that might come as a surprise to her. It feels weird, then, to be about to write what I'm about to write - I hope you'll forgive me, Nyx; I really am thinking out loud, as it were.)
(Okay, end of digression. Resuming, as if uninterrupted . . .)
All of the love and desire I felt for Nyx last year is still there, every bit of it. If anything, it's clearer and more settled than it was. I was startled by the intensity, the immediacy of it; I was also a little abashed - and I have told Nyx this part, in an email - and may have yammered a bit in reaction to it all.
There's a part of me that wished we had more time today, so that we could skip lunch and go back to her apartment . . .
But here's where I want to be intentional, deliberate about my relationship with Nyx, to work out with her - more carefully than we did before - what our relationship can be, and how its boundaries should be defined and maintained.
I want, as always, to be very careful of her, and of myself. The fact is, she has just gone through some serious upheaval in her life, as some relationships have fallen apart and others have come together. She has also embarked on a project she described as "becoming [her] own primary" - an idea that has taken hold in my own mind, and may have helped inform recent changes in my approach to things.
So, here's what it comes to. I am happier than I know how to express to have her back in my life, even just as someone I have lunch with. I don't know what our relationship might become, but I want to be sure, as much as we can be sure, that it finds a form and a level that suits us both.
We parted with open-ended plans to have brunch together on a weekend morning, and with another warm and slightly-too-long hug.