Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar
Is this a problem with sperm quality or egg quality? If you've had miscarriages, it's most likely a problem with your eggs or your ability to carry to term. If you want to try different sperm, however, I think you should start doing something about it soon as your prospects get smaller after age 35.
If you've identified sperm as the problem and you want to try different sperm, there's no choice but to bring up the subject with your partner. He can only tell you how he feels about it.
We've been lumped in the "unexplained infertility" category unfortunately. It's probably more me than him though. His counts are 10X the avg amount and all tests point them to be awesome sperm (above avg mobility, motility, etc). I had a uterine septum removed last October which my latest doctor believes may have been the cause of the issues all along. Being that we have, since that time, conceived once on our own 2 months ago, we are really hopeful that I am fixed. But, I also have immune issues and that could be the cause. There is a possibility that I'm "allergic" to my husband's sperm, hence why I'm somewhat tempted to try with another man.
Originally Posted by opalescent
'I've read a LOT about poly for years, but the stumbling block we have right now is...we are doing fertility treatments (part of why our relationship is on the rocks - infertility can kill any relationship). The rules for clinics where we live is that we have to be in a strict mono relationship and we have to sign agreements that we are, just because they are working with our bodily fluids and for infectious disease control reasons, etc. I totally understand and respect this, since it's a delicate situation dealing with embryos and such, especially since the lab works with other couples...materials, we don't want to jeopardize the safety of anything for anyone. I mean, we would be 100% safe but still...can't risk it considering we signed agreements.'
I wish you success in your fertility treatments. I have a dear friend going through something similar. It is so hard.
But I have to comment that your clinic's policy of making you sign a mono only relationship agreement to 'protect' their staff, that strikes me as bullshit. Basically they are saying that only mono, possibly just straight, couples get a shot at babies. Do they refuse to assist single women or men? LBGT folks? Is legal marriage also required?
I agree that disclosure and testing for STIs of their patients is a wise precaution both for their patients and staff. STIs can affect fertility and some can be transmitted by blood or other fluids. Increasing number of partners can increase risk but that is true regardless of relationship style. A monogamous person serially dating can rack up some serious numbers. Unless there is some rational reason I have overlooked, this is particularly insidious slut shaming. I bet they will serve cheating couples who lie but an honest polyamorous or other ethical non-monogamous folks are right out.
Please understand I do not condemn in any way your decision to sign and start treatments. One must do what one must do sometimes. You have to do what is right for you. But wow, this makes me angry.
And to attempt to answer your actual question, you could frame it as 'I'm not ready to give up on fertility treatments yet, but I've met someone who makes me wonder what if we decided to open up our relationship? It's not serious, I have not made any moves - we are just friends. But I wonder and wanted to start talking about it with you.'
About the rule - it's a government rule by the ministry of health here. Basically, we sign forms saying we are the only people in the relationship during the duration of the treatment. They don't discriminate against poly, LGBT, etc, it's just that if I entered into any relationship outside of DH, I would have to bring the additional person into the fold of the fertility treatments as well (they would have to get tested at the clinic and be clean, etc) as per government rules. That's all. For instance, if a single woman comes in for insemination, from the time she is tested for STIs, etc, until she is done with any treatment regimens, she technically has to remain single (no having sex, even protected, to put the clinic at risk). Sorry that I didn't clarify.
I have nothing against bringing someone into the fold of our treatments and theoretically if I did get involved with this man, he already consented to whatever would be required if I still wanted to work towards having a baby.
Thanks for the last bit as well, that's a good way to approach it. I'm still really scared (DH knows this man, which adds a layer of fear, and I know he doesn't like him at all...)