“I do not like my partner to do X because if my partner does X, then _______________.”
"I do not like my partner to break agreements that are important to me because if my partner breaks agreements then I don't know that I can trust my partner with his word or believe he can follow through on promises."
Which leads to...
"I need to be able to trust in his word and believe he can follow through on promises so I can safely polyship with him in healthy ways. My emotional health, mental health, spiritual health, and phsyical health can be dinged by his behaviors. I need to know I'm not gonna be dinged needlessly."
Easy example -- he breaks safer sex agreements, you could end up cootified. Your physical safety at risk.
i'm trying to fill in this blank and i can't get any words out. i just know it makes me nauseous. even though INTELLECTUALLY, ETHICALLY, and in many ways EMOTIONALLY, it's actually FINE, and i'm excited for him. but it also made me pull my car over and throw up and now when i get back into town i'm scared to touch him, to be touched by him, even though i know, know, he's totally in love with me and wants to be with me.
I beg to differ -- your mental health and emotional health took a ding. You are NOT FINE, sweetie. You are feeling all kinds of vomitous.
It's alright. You will be ok. BREATHE. Your safety was threatened in your mental health and emotional health buckets. You got sloshed. Give it time to settle back down in there.
You are in the middle of experiencing high emotion so maybe you can't see it yet? When ready? Come on back to see where the slosh spill is from. Stop having your attention be over there on his behavior toward the woman. (sexy stuff) Don't chase down shiny thoughts down that path.
Bring your focus back over here.
His behavior toward YOU. He fell short. You are disappointed. Acknowledged. Now let's move it FORWARD.
Perhaps that POV could help you sort your feelings out?
He's contrite and apologetic and nobody is perfect right out of the gate. Could learn from this, praise what was good -- HIM TELLING. Just point improvement for next time.
Could keep in the YUCKO (do not reccommend) or could move it FORWARD and could say something like...
"Ok. I felt weirdness. Reasonable to feel after a ding. BUT.... You told me. This is GREAT. I want this. Do not stop the telling!
For improvements? Next time just tell faster, not 3 days later. BEFORE it happens for preference but at least aim for better than this first time out, ok? I can accept it takes times to learn new skills. Is that reasonable plan for getting it up to standard here? Can I do anything on my listening end to make telling easier for you? Are you willing to be on board with that "doing ok, let's improve" plan? "
Focus on what you want MORE of. Not what you do not want.
Basically I'm hearing you need your well being to be considered. Do this by -- Honoring agreements. Don't ding me intentionally. Don't ding me thoughtlessly either. CONSIDER ME.
It is the the need to be seen.
There's a reason that's on my own personal standard too.
I see you. You aren't suffering alone there. But move it forward
with your honey there. Don't keep it stuck in the yuck. You can do this.