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Old 04-03-2013, 09:20 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 278

Originally Posted by Arius View Post
Hey Everybody.

My poly partner is a bisexual cis female. I am a hetero cis male. For some reason, I get jealous when she has sex with men, but not women. If it's a man, I often feel anxious, insecure, and get really bad mental pictures. I'm worried that his cock will be bigger than mine. I'm worried that he'll be a better lover. But when she's with a woman, I just feel happy for her. I don't care if the woman is the best lover she's ever had and leaves her quivering with pleasure in a pool of ecstacy. The idea of them being together turns me on.

It seems to me that this kind of gender-specific jealousy is normal. Does anyone know why?

My only theory right now is that I've been programmed to see other men (but not women) as a threat.
You've basically got it. Our society sees a patriarchal set-up (such as polygamy) as acceptable, even encouraged in some circles, but the reverse is not true.

But more importantly, does anyone know how to get over this? I would like to be as comfortable with my partner having sex with men as I am with her having sex with women.
I have a difficult time trusting other men because of negative experiences with men that I've counted as friends as well as years spent trying to help women who were victims of physical and sexual assault. That's made me very...skeptical when it comes to men in general. Less out of a sense of jealousy and more a sense of mistrust.

When I first started entering the world of poly, I ran into the jealousy wall before I got too far. I got around it by just try to keep in mind that, just as every single one of the women I've ever been with has been different and incredible in their own way, I am different than other male lovers that any ladyfriends I see may have. If you were to ask me who the best lover I've ever had was, I couldn't tell you. Different lovers have been good at different things and taken to certain things more naturally, but I couldn't honestly tell you who was the "best" overall.

We've been somewhat programmed to think of things on a binary scale; it's either good or its not, better and best. We dont think of lovers as a range of experiences, they're given these really arbitrary skill assignments often based on piss-poor experience and warped cultural ideas.

It's stupid because because people are wildly differing individuals yet for some reason when it comes to sex, we all fall on this scale between "terrible" and "awesome" and we lose all our unique natures.

Additionally, talk to your ladyfriend as often as possible. Tell her you're having these problems and want to work through them. Jealousy is a weed that thrives in darkness, the more you talk about it and the more you bring it out to deal with it, the harder time it will have growing.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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