I'm sorry about all this, PRT. Sorry about what you've gone through and what you're still going through. Yes, you messed up. So have I. So have a lot of people. I've cheated before, and I learned from that experience. It's not good but it's human. In the end, it sounds like it came down to this -- after a long and deeply difficult period, you told him you didn't love him, and eventually he killed himself. Well, what were your supposed to do, lie indefinitely and pretend you did still love him? That's no solution. You were in a real bind, and now his choice has left you in an awful position. I too have a loved one in my life who is ex-military and who suffers from depression and who won't get treatment, and the idea that ge might someday give up is one of my greatest fears in life. One can become a prisoner to that fear, and that's not fair or right. I'm kind of rambling now, but, yeah, it's not a decision you made. It was his, and it's very healthy of you to recognize that.
I'll admit I was definitely thrown off by how you presented things too, but SoL is right, the blogs are supposed to be a safe space. That's why, if I'd felt like speaking up, I would have done it by saying something like "The way you've presented this all comes off pretty coldly. I hate to ask, because I don't want to accuse someone of being this callous, but... DO you care about your husband's suicide, or do you just embrace the chance to be free?" I didn't choose to say that, because it really did seem like a cruel question, so for someone to come here and not ask questions, but rather throw out intense accusations, is really not ok at all.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.