ok, ok, everyone calm down. This has gone on long enough. Im pretty sure I did admit my faults, take my own words into account and offer them to be viewed. Somehow I dont think that by taking certain words out of context and throwing them back in the authors face is going to make the author regret anything she has posted. I know what I did, I alone know the whole story. The parts I chose to put here, I chose to. I know that when I write not everyone will see what I intend them to see or feel as I feel, but that is not a valid reason to start blaming me for my husbands death! And thats exactly what I feel has happened. Yes, I cheated on him when we were dating, yes, it was probably considered cheating when I was hanging out with my other guys despite not sleeping with them, but guess what. Im not ashamed of it. Yes it hurt my husband but at the same time, I knew I was never going to get his trust back so why continue to force myself into a position and a mindset that was unbearable to me? If my husband were here, the offer would still be there, come with me into a new world, on that you know I would be coming home to you in, one that I could get my sexual fix and still love you. But it didnt work that way. You want to know why my husband shot himself?! Its because he couldnt sleep. Every night he would stare at the ceiling and do nothing but relive 18 months in Iraq where he was a driver, where he dragged half of his best friends body back to the humvee, where it still continued to talk to him, wonder why he couldnt feel his legs and why his head was so light, half of a body asking why my husband was crying. He watched men, women, children, animals all blown up for sport, to see how high the American's helmet would fly and take bets on if the head was still in it when it landed. You want these details, I can give them too you. I couldnt live with it and neither could he. We stopped having sex, I wasnt allowed to see my friends, male or female. I wasnt allowed to go out unless he was with me and his PTSD made that impossible. I couldnt wear the clothes I wanted to because I was damned terrified someone would look at me and my husband would kill them. No, that is not an exaggeration. We stopped talking, going anywhere, sleeping next to each other, kissing, touching and even being next to eachother at holidays and for pictures. We werent going to fool ourselves.
So yes, I was very selfish for my acts, I never said that I wasnt. I never said that it did not lead to our downfall. But in the end, that was his choice. He never got help, never saw a councilor, never talked to anyone other than when he was 18 beers in and he could hear his dead friends singing with him to Pantera. He smiled then. He really wanted nothing more than to be dead and to be with them. I did not help his choice, but I did nothing to solidify it. I cannot stand to see a man suffer like he did. None of you here can say that you would rather be a slave to an insane man if you had a choice. I had a choice. I could hide my real self for the rest of my known life and watch him wither into a husk of a human body, or I could stand and walk away for my own self, so that I wasnt dragged down with him. I took my road. It is mine and there is no one on Earth who can tell me that what I did to save myself was wrong.
Im not immune to what his family goes through. Hell, at the viewing his sister escorted her children out of every room I walked into making sure to say, "Dont talk to her, dont look at her, just keep going." as they passed. A mother teaching her children that in sadness, prejudice is the best reaction. They dont speak to me. They think I pulled the trigger. They refuse to acknowledge everything he suffered and he was the best man in the world for not telling them, not making them worry. I speak to his grandfather, a retired Marine Vet. on a regular basis. He is the only one in that family who will ever understand what Chris and I went through. He tells me to move on, keep my head up and dont let any ignorant twats get in my way. I cant imagine the pain they feel, and they will never be able to imagine mine. And know what apokylptk, Im crying right now because this fucking hurts! You ignorant fuck! Dont ever tell me that I will not take responsibility for what I do. You dont know me, or how this feels, or the shit that I put up with to even wake up in the morning to get out of bed. Karma is the one who was there for me through EVERYTHING. He was literally the first person I told when Chris pulled the trigger. He understands. He has literally held my hand while I cried, while I raged and spat curses at the world. He has taken my punches and soothed weapons of self harm away from me. THAT is why I am with him. That is why I came here. This isnt a girlish fancy, this is my real life. Ive finally found someone(s) who will take me for me, I dont have to lie, to hide, to cheat, to cower or pretend anymore. Im done with it. The anger I have at Chris for taking his own life, for copping out is far greater than my ability to see past it. Im furious at him, I dont think that I can ever forgive him. Karma and Mohegan see this, they feel it in me when I let them. So go ahead, call me an uncaring sociopath again, because after this i will not acknowledge you or anyone else who presumes judgement on me.