I do not perceive "ultimatum." Why? GF is ALREADY gone. It's just " We are broken up. I am GONE."
It isn't fun news to digest, but when I read this....
"last night she told us that she doesnt think she can do this."
"i dont want to loose her i love her very much."
"so now im here hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us, scared and sad we are going to loose her."
Here's what I get when I sort into piles.
- last night she told us that she doesnt think she can do this.
- she just broke if off before talking it over with us (and giving us a chance to try to talk to try to meet her needs.) <-- that last bit is my perceived implication. OP could clarify what OP's perception is. But I perceived that she's disappointed TWICE. 1) That GF broke up. 2) That GF broke up like THIS.
Bottom line Conclusion: GF is still gone.
OP Emotional information:
- "i dont want to loose her i love her very much."
- "so now im here hurt
- scared and sad we are going to loose her."
GF LEFT already.
OP could be in shock/denial stages of grief
since this just
happened last night and writing emotional things from that shocked place. With a present tense still because it takes time
to start writing about it in the past tense. It also takes ACCEPTANCE.
OP has work through the stages of grief to arrive at "acceptance." OP cannot instantly ACCEPT a loss all the way down to the bottom. Nobody can.
I perceive that as the OP's challenge right now. Mourning loss in appropriate ways. It's not about hubby sex with the GF -- cuz there is no GF here any more. What is here is sadness, grief, loss.
I perceive there's some glimmers of the "bargaining stage" there with offering to DH (who is still here, because the GF herself is GONE) that he could have sex with her alone and OP would suck it up for the sake of the polyship to continue because she does not want it to be over. But it IS over... and I would caution against making offers like that just to have it "not be over" so as not to have to deal with yucky grief feelings. Rather than making that offer from a healthier place of "I'm ready for this change now."
OP needs comfort. So I tried to comfort. It is nothing OP did or did not do. It's ok for people to want different speeds of sexual unfolding. I myself prefer a slower speed. It is ok for OP to want slow. It is ok for GF to want whatever speed she wants in her polyships. That these things do not line up for it all to coexist in THIS polyship harmoniously? Not compatible. That's dating for ya. Not all dating partners are destined for long haul compatible.
Hang in there, OP. It's hard to feel but you will feel better in time. You will feel a lot
of things in navigating the stages of grief and maybe wibble up and down. People don't go through the stages in a straight line. But you will arrive in good time. Take all the time you need.
Do your self care. Encourage DH to do his self care -- he will mourn loss for a time also. Maybe monitoring yourself traveling through the stages could be somewhat reassuring because though this is a Dark Time for you, you have a rope to lead you out again?
One stage at a time. You will get there. Hold on.