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Old 04-02-2013, 06:26 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,706
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I see you hurt. I am sorry.

Could let it stay broken up. When you take a step back from it all? Maybe it's just an experience to have learned?

A person you dated for 2 mos is ready for change. You are not. Not sure what your DH is ready for. But "a yes, a no, and a ?" does not = "all players ready for a change." The polyship as a whole is not ready for that change so it can happen in harmony.

If she wants her needs to come before the need of the larger polyship to function in harmony? Is this a team player or not? Maybe not. Is this a player you really want to be playing with long haul? Maybe not. Maybe she doesn't want to play with you because she wants a faster speed in her polyship? Fair enough.

Don't share polyshipping together then. Stop dating.

Every tier in the polyship needs to grow and develop in their own time. That is fine. But honestly?

2 months in? Wanting to move in together? Threesomes already? Where's the HURRY? It seems awfully fast to me. I would not be having threesomes at 2 months in. I wouldn't be having one-on-one somes. But I am not you. I am not her.

Everyone's speed for sharing sex is different. Some people are ready to share sex faster than others. It is a basic compatibility thing. That is what dating time is FOR -- to figure out if you are all compatible.

First conflict and she wants to bail? Sounds kinda flimsy flier. Don't need that in a relationships -- mono or poly. Flimsy fliers are not dependable. How's this help to build trust? The very issue to hand here? Some things are earned over time and trust is one of them. It is not a rock that you "just have" in your pocket or "do not have" in your pocket. Trust is grown over time -- developed like exercise for a muscle.

I find it interesting she just wants you to give your trust. She not asking for opportunity for her to show she can EARN your trust. Demonstrate her trustworthiness.

I see that you are upset and disappointed that she made a decision for herself without giving the polyship a chance to meet her needs. I see that you are disappointed that she broke up with you both. It is not unreasonable to feel those things.
  • But just as she has the right to have her needs come at the speed she likes? And leave the polyship if it does not suit?
  • YOU have the right to have your needs to come the way you like.
  • HE has the right to his needs to come how HE likes.

If all these overlapping needs of all players cannot be met by the polyship? Cannot be met then. Limits of the polyship. This 'ship don't fly. It is nobody's fault here. It is what it is.

Could do your self care needs post break up. Let it be.

Life is long. Don't have to have it all up front. Dating is the search to find compatible ones. Not all dating partners are destined to be a long haul runner because they just are not long haul compatible. It is what it is.

When you are ready to date again, and think/hope to grow it to a triad space... could carry forward what you learn in this dating experience. Maybe you decide to slow it down, perhaps. Let your next relationship unfold how it will and enjoy the unfolding journey. If the triad magic is still there, it's gonna still be there in 3, 6, 9, 12 mos.... but maybe you decide to talk before hand about HOW you want to be treated if the dating time comes to find the magic is NOT there. Maybe next time you are in polyship you state in advance HOW you want to be broken up with if the person feels the need to terminate the relationship. You could make your preferences known.

Don't have to be all "kid in the candy store" grabbing it all and wanting to have it all up front right out of the starting gate. Keep it realistic -- a triad is essentially 3 V's trying to happen at once! It's not impossible, but it requires good people skills. Explore your new partners "skills-ability" before getting in too deep with them. Guard against NRE drunkeness moving it faster than is healthy for all players. It might fly. It might not. Prepare for BOTH scenarios. Talk to your poly people about what they expect and how the want to be treated. You let them know you you want to be treated.

And sometimes the limitation the polyship bumps into is in that bucket. People may have the desire to try, but once actually trying it out come to find the attraction is not there for a triad configuration or the people skills are not all there, or the expectations are not realistic and reasonable. Maybe more dating experiences and you find YOURSELF changing in your wants and needs.

Maybe you want to try again to triad and go for the 3 v's at once thing. Maybe you want to let go of that want. You and spouse date separately and deal in building 2 v's at once rather than 3 v's at once with the same person. Or maybe one of you takes a dating break while the other still dates. Build 1 V at a time.

How you guys want it to play out so the marriage can digest Opening better is on you guys as you learn about yourselves and your own personal limitations.

Take heart. It is hard to feel loveable when you feel unloved... but just because THIS dating partner is not a runner doesn't meant you are a horrible person. You are just a hurting person right now.

That's alright. In time, the hurt will stop.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-02-2013 at 07:26 PM.
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