Judgement, Anger and Bigotry
I find that perspectives that speak from a place of judgement, anger and bigotry against any one particular "group" of people are often shrouded in misunderstanding. Opening a marriage is a particularly interesting experience for all involved; there is no one perspective that takes precedent over another in an equal, respectful relationship, and this includes the perspective of "single, bi-sexual women." Everyone has a voice, a perspective and something to offer each other that can help all involved to grow, evolve and learn about themselves, and the complexities of others.
I find that there seems to be a widening group of people who automatically feel as though the needs of single, bi-sexual women who are involved with couples take precedent over the existing relationship of a couple. That it shouldn't be called into question that the behaviour of someone who has been involved with a couple for TWO MONTHS be held on equal footing as a relationship that has been established for TWELVE YEARS. If these terms were proposed in a different sector of humanity in, say, a labour union at a factory, there would be picket lines and riots. (To be clear, I am not saying that relationships and employment rights are the same, I'm just saying that there is a structure that makes sense to the human mind/condition in our present society that a parallel can be drawn from).
Insta-Equality makes little to no sense to me; there is no hard and fast rule that states that these new individuals have everyone's best interests at heart, or know what they're doing relationship wise as far as treating everyone with respect and grace/humility/consciousness/care. Many established relationships and marriages break up, or fall into grave peril when triads are attempted from the resulting snarls, but I see little sympathy, compassion or understanding given to the couple involved. Everyone is an individual, and has work to do in any relationship - triads are not excluded from this reality, and couples are not inherently flawed when trying to open their relationships.
Opening oneself up to love means opening oneself up to hurt. This is not the exclusive right of single bi-sexual women. This is the human condition.
I'm growing increasingly tired of the bigotry and flawed prejudice against married couples opening their relationships for the first time. I have watched single-ish people flounder in poly, hurting people left, right and centre, spreading STIs, creating drama and being incredibly selfish - ALL human beings need to be held accountable for their behaviour, not just married people. Being pushy, self interested and petulant about not having an independent relationship with her husband seems out of line to me. Does she have a right to desire this? Yes! But have some respect, humility and kindness in one's heart about a longstanding relationship as well! Be compassionate to the woman that you are co-involved with. Why force? Why badger and threaten?
I have not slept with people AT ALL for long stretches of time in the beginning of relationships, and this didn't stop me from having meaningful intimacy with them. I have taken breaks from sexuality when things have become complicated, and re-evaluated where I was coming from. I have watched other people use that time to do the same, or conversely, watched people behave in ways that smacked of a lack of integrity and compassion. Single bi-sexual women are human beings too, last time I checked, and slowing things down to a pace that is comfortable seems like the best way to respect EVERYONE involved in this particular situation. No one is persecuted within the context of relationships (provided that there is not abuse, which is always unacceptable in my opinion); we are all consenting adults capable of speaking up for ourselves and respecting our partners' needs.
Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 04-02-2013 at 06:30 PM.