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Old 04-02-2013, 05:32 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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your right guys, but its like even when i try and be receptive something is wrong. This weekend has been very tough for me because i was just informed my mother has returned into a relationship with an abusive ex of hers, who couldve nearly killed her. I looked for the compassion and love and strength in my partners. yesterday i was home with boyfriend and we had what was to me a great day we finally have started to be less cold to one another and i remembered that im still with him because yes in fact i still do love him. girlfriend was working, it got a little late and i wasnt able to cook since i was running around and my head was all over the place due to the news of my mother, and so we let girlfriend know we were going to order in. she became deeply upset and in conclusion lost her appetite. i was a tad bit upset since i didnt see it as a big deal since the following day which is today boyfriend had off and he was going to make up for the meal. he told me not to cook it was late and he knew i had a lot on my mind. about an hour and a half later me and boyfriend laid down and without noticing fell asleep. girlfriend came home a bit later from work and found us sleeping and instead of trying to wake us up she nudged boyfriend once saw he didnt respond and proceeded to put her stuff on and walk out and telling us to have a goodnight. boyfriend got up, disoriented and went to chase her and brought her in and there it started... another argument. over the fact, that we fell out unintentionally. now i know i am going to sound a bit selfish right now but please take to consideration that all ive tried to do is make girlfriend comfortable in this whole realtionship. and i have put my feelings last to please her and not disappoint boyfriend but, i was upset because she knew ive had a rough few days due to my mother and i havent gotten much peace. i have been extremely tired and i had fallen out on a monday the first and most tiring day of the work week. she began to say that its very inconsiderate that we didnt wait up for her, and that she comes home late and we should be greeting her at the door. she became to complain about another time where we fell asleep like this, yet fails to realize we always wait for her up with a hot meal waiting for her. I explained to her that these are minuscule things that shouldnt even be an issue because one day out of 365 will not hurt to be found asleep. Ive found boyfriend sleeping many times and its not an issue if someone is tired who am i to be upset that they fell asleep. i wouldnt deprive any one of that. but she continued to be upset which in turn cause boyfriend to get upset and when hes upset he tends to yell. im honestly exhausted of the yelling and bickering about every little thing, she proceeds to tell me that shes been upset because boyfriend has been acting distant and that im ignoring the fact that he has, and i myself have also had to face the fact that boyfriend is acting that way but i just accepted the fact that you reep what you sow, meaning i too have fault for him to act differently towards me and she has fault in it too as well as he. i have tried about three times to end this relationship, with them telling me me leaving isnt the solution. but last night i fell asleep thinking solely about my mother, and the possible danger she faces going back into the arms of the man that once put her in the hospital. and i realized there is so much more that im not focusing on because i am too focused on them. and its honestly like she wants extra attention. she didnt wake me up last night she woke up boyfriend to complain. so i knew from that moment she was upset initially with boyfriend because thats who she really wants the attention from. but to make a big deal deal over a nap and argue about it for two hours and continue to say we were wrong honestly puts me over my head on if i can handle this anymore. its too many people and too many emotions and not enough mutual ground for any side to compromise, its like nothing is ever enough, and im at my wits end. last night what happened shouldnt have happened, see there was space on my side, so she couldve laid down next to me and curled into me , but instead she chose to try and nudge boyfriend over and he was sound asleep so made a show and walked out. I know this may sound silly but im very receptive of emotions and body language and she acted last night as if we left her behind, and she also remarked "you guys always do everything without me" which is not true at all. we all had this raging fight that i just thought its enough, and once i put my foot down, and say im tired which i did say last night and that i want to be single, they want to try to patch things up. girlfriend was upset because she claims that i beg boyfriend to stay after arguments and not her but i always run after her and tell her to please reconsider, and im just tired of begging them both to lets all just get along. I know my actions are wrong as well because i can not feed negative energy with more negative energy, but i think its time for us all to start new. honestly i dont know where there heads are but i think as of for me i need to start new. the other day i had a falling out with boyfriend over some very harsh words he told me, and i explained to her he may not treat you that but he does to me and it has to stop so its not only because of you i want to end this relationship, its because of him and also because of myself and who i have become in it. i love boyfriend because initially thats who i fell in love with before this all and i love girlfriend too but i think this chapter as really ended for me but they wont let me go, and last night i felt like i was undermined about how im feeling. boyfriend says i always want to leave when things go wrong but honestly, me and boyfriend arent the same as we once was, and he knows it might never be the same way again. through this whole process all im thinking is im giving them my all and right now i should be giving my mother my all, ive been so consumed in this relationship that i wasnt there for my mother to help her be stronger and to not run back to this horrible man, my heart is sunken deeper than it has already sunk and all i honestly want to do do is be alone and mend it....last night they made up and thought it was all fine but im not okay, ive been trying to call it quits for sometime now, and i dont see improvement for me to think otherwise....
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