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Old 04-02-2013, 03:52 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

Hey AZ,

I have a well documented problem with this configuration so I have to curb down my prejudice a bit, I have some negative experiences and I know some of the common pitfalls. So take from that what you will and I hope my advice is sound.

Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
So me and my husband have had a gf for 2 months. We are all starting to fall in love with each other. talking about moving in together and everything.
Your last post on here stated you were feeling very emotional, vulnerable and left out, I know in triads when things seem up they are very up and they appear to mitigate the negative times, but do you really, seriously feel that when you have had a new and more complicated, emotional relationship for only two months, that you should discuss moving in together? Are you really ready for that sort of commitment? Please (x10000) do not rush that, it can be the worse decision you make rushing things when you still have SO much emotional work to do.

last night she told us that she doesnt think she can do this. this totally came out of no where.
I think it is fair to assume it did not come out of no where to her, perhaps she had been expressing some dissatisfaction before but you did not recognise it because you were preoccupied with your own feelings of insecurity? Which, IIRC you had trouble expressing to them also? Try and put yourself in her shoes, she may be intimidated by your relationship and the fact that you feel it acceptable to pull rank on her and her burgeoning relationship with your mutual partner.
It could be possible that she feels that no matter what you will never really be equilateral and she feels controlled by you.
its not that i dont trust them. i let them go out on a date every week and im ok with that.
She is his partner to....but your language is one of ownership 'I let them' this sort of thought process could come out in other ways making her feel destabilised and not in control of her own relationship.
as far as having sex without me. its not that im not ok with it im just not comfortable yet.
Intimacy is an important part of developing and maintaining relationships, do you really think it is reasonable to control someone else's sexuality like that?
Personally if someone told me that I cannot have sex with my partner I would be quite vexed, well that is how she is feeling and frankly I would be disinclined to have sex with the person who controlled my sexuality that way (please note, I know that others have a completely different take on it, especially those who do hierarchy, but you describe yourself as a triad, we think of a triad as three people with equal rights as partners, otherwise you are just a threesome really, or a couple with a girlfriend if that is how you look at it, fine, that is ok, but call it what it is and make sure that your girlfriend realises where she fits in the scheme of things and allow her the freedom to leave and pursue other relationships that may give her what she wants, don't try to control her sexuality though and her ability to find and connect to a person who may be able to be numero uno to her, just as you insist on being numero uno to your husband anything less is not right.)

is that wrong of me to feel that way? im feeling extremly guilty, and sad

Are you feeling guilty because you are keeping control? Or are you feeling guilty because you may have jeopardised your relationship? I think it might help to figure out the root of this guilt and then you may be better placed to knowing how better to move forward.

i dont want to loose her i love her very much. and my husband does too. i told him that he can have sex with her without me. i dont know if im 100% ready but for the sake of our relationship im going to be ok with it

Well clearly you are not 'ok with it' you just mean you are not going to make a fuss beforehand, but does that mean you will be able to keep your cool during or after? It is worth being honest, but you also have to accept that your reactions are borne of insecurity (been there, done that...) and work on that primarily, rather than rely on controlling the behaviour of others. Frankly if your needs are being met (and it is clear that sexually you are getting what you want) than anything else is simply jealousy. Now personally I am always a lot more comfortable with 'out of sight, out of mind' I don't want to sit next to people, any people, no matter how much I may love them, having sex in front of me, now it does not bother some, I understand that, but it bothers me, so I would rather be out of the house, or they be out of the house, so, if you are really certain that this is the way you wish to play things, for goodness sake, tell them to spend the night at her house or even better, take yourself out and have a lovely time out without them, whether that is to see a movie or out to dinner, a girls night out with a friend drinking cocktails and flirting with half nekkid waiters, whatever floats your boat.
Do not sit in the living room crying into your ice cream whilst they get it on in a bedroom, that is a recipe for instant relationship death!!!

so now im here hurt that she just broke if off before talking it over with us, scared and sad we are going to loose her. what do i do? was i wrong? :'(
You may lose her, simply because it is a very unstable configuration, stop thinking of her as a thing to own and start thinking of her as a person you value for her being who she is and the love she brings to your (as in YOU, not YOU and HUSBAND) life. He needs to walk his own path with her, once you stop thinking of yourself as a unit with the entitlement to full and equal joint access to your toy, you will be much more happy and she will be more likely to stick around.

I hope this helps,

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