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Old 04-02-2013, 03:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,171
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Yep. Could focus on doing the things that help you to feel better.
  • BEHAVIOR you can do to feel better.
  • Thinking THOUGHTS that help you to feel better.

Stop focusing on doom and gloom that helps you to feel like crap.

Pursuing this line of thinking makes no sense to me:

Quote:
how to stop needing the reassurance so much? Because everything can change in a heartbeat.
You cannot stop having needs. You are alive. Anything could change in a heart beat all the time.

He could walk out the door and be run over by a bus. BAM. Life over. Polyship doesn't even enter into it. Bus did. (example only -- I do not actually wish this for him!) You could spend all day spinning fearful thoughts like that even though the odds of it happening are small until you are paralyzed with fears. That's not good for your mental health. You are responsible for your healths.

So could NOT spend all of life what iffing doom things.

The internal voice is going to yammer all day about anything. Could stop and realize... you know what? I don't HAVE to listen to The Voice. The Voice is NOT ALWAYS ME. Sometimes it's parent voices in there, work voices -- just the mix of things that influence your thinking. If you play a lot of negative tapes in your head, consider getting help in learning new ways to talk to yourself inside your head.

Maybe look up a Recover chapter near you or online? http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/system/our-method.asp

It's your radio station in there. You are the DJ. Could choose to change your tapes you play.

Quote:
One week he says he doesn't know how he feels and if he wants to pursue a relationship with her, the next week he's at her house for the weekend, meeting all her friends at a party.
And what would like like from him?
  • To know less about his feelings?
  • To know less about his calendar?
  • Something else?

What would you like from yourself?
  • Less "what iffing?"
  • Be more secure?

Quote:
I think there's a lot of reality to my fear.
Yes. But there is a difference between perceived reality (colored by your thoughts and feelings) and actuality. (no colorings.)

Sharing emotional intimacy with BF and fearing that "knowing the real you" will drive him away? What's so horrible about you? Nothing.

But if you want connection with him, stiff arming him and creating emotional distance between you because you rather give your energies to feeding the fear inside you of "I am not good enough" rather than drawing him and give that connected you crave the space/chance to grow?

Really you are undermining yourself. Feel afraid.... and do it anyway. Draw him in and allow yourself to feel vulnerable in taking the leap so you can reap the reward of close connection that you crave after.

If you want better self esteem, do self respecting things. Talk to yourself in self-respecting ways in your head. Stop putting you down in there. Present your "real self" to your BF. Even if it is scary. Putting out a "fake you" for him to love is not self-respecting behavior. It's self down talk -- like your "real self" is not good enough.

Could stop telling yourself in your thoughts and in your behavior that you are "not good enough."

You ARE good enough. You are HERE. It is ok to take up the space you do on planet Earth by existing.

If you are experiencing a lot of "fear of abandonment" jealousies? Could DO something constructive about like talk to the BF about these articles. Let him know you feel the ones you highlight and make a plan for how to deal with it. You guys could do the page 5 / page 6 things for instance.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

Or... in taking a step back from all this? If it is that you just do not enjoy polyshipping with him? Tell him you do not enjoy polyshipping and cut him loose. Don't be suffering things that you don't like just to be with him if you know deep down you prefer your romances to come in simpler shape. You have other relationships, maybe you are at your polysaturation point? Feeling like she can give him more because... she can? She has less demands on her time where you have other relationships to tend? Reaching a personal limitation in your available time is not a horrible thing. It doesn't make YOU "less than" -- it just is what it is.

There's only 24 hrs in a day.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-02-2013 at 03:14 PM.
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