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Old 04-02-2013, 01:29 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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I feel that each relationship should be managed by the people in it. Why should one person have a say over the reason their partner goes to someone else?

Would you be okay if she went to this fictional boyfriend and played cards with him to cool down? Or had him meet her at a bar for a drink? Or talked it out and cried on his shoulder before heading back to you? Is it that anything else would be okay, but just not fucking him? Or is it the fact that you and she would have argued and you want special treatment for that? Would it upset you if she wanted to see him after a particularly happy conversation with you? Would you become upset if, instead of arguing, you and she had the best sex of your life and then later she was so revved up and turned on that she went to him to get some more while you lay there spent?

You see how it is problematic. Are you going to lay down conditions for every possibility there is and whether she can or cannot be with someone else? Maybe she should only see him when she is feeling nothing? Should she be all unemotional and distant with others so that you can be reassured that you are more important than anyone else she has in her life?

Perhaps you aren't ready for poly if you believe there are certain conditions that she should only be turning to someone else for. But this is good stuff to look at in preparation for this shift in your dynamic. Some couples talk about poly for a year or two before ever actually practicing it. There is no reason to rush into it, especially if a theoretical scenario like this felt like a punch in the gut.

You say you don't confide in family or friends when things get tough. Maybe, in preparation for poly, you need to start cultivating more close relationships with friends you can confide in. Maybe you need to start looking at other outlets/activities/hobbies/people so that she isn't your only focus. Maybe, to prepare for poly AND have your current relationship be the best it can be, you should look at how you argue, and see if there are better ways to express or debate heated topics without the need to storm out and cool off.

You need to be strong and to remember that her relationships are her relationships and yours are yours. She is entitled to invest in her relationships and get out of them whatever she needs, according to what feels right to her. Nobody else should be micromanaging the dynamic of any other relationships. You tend to your own, and she tends to hers. All you can do is ask for more of what you need, but when you put limits on what someone else is allowed to have/be/do with her, you are essentially dictating terms of a relationship you are not in and you really have no business trying to run it!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-02-2013 at 01:46 AM.
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