A little confused... kind of jealous... needs help
I’m new here and have been reading for a while now and finally figured out how to word what I wanted to ask.
First of all, my wife (S) and I have been together since high school and are now both in our late-ish 30s and have an open marriage. We came about the decision to evolve into an open relationship by a healthy and mutual way (no cheating or indiscretion, just a shared draw to this new relationship format).
Our marriage has been open for a year now and in that time S has had two girlfriends. Each has made her extremely happy and has allowed her to grow this previously hidden part of herself. It’s been magnificent to watch.
My issue - if it can even be considered that - is that I've yet to have any additional partners and I find myself feeling... jealous? Insecure? Undesirable? Just plain odd!
I didn't feel this way during her first relationship as I wasn't actively looking for a partner then. And there were a couple months after that relationship ended and this current one began where everything was great. But at the beginning of this year we both decided to start looking for new people to spend time with and she’s had terrific success and I continue to strike out.
So now she has this tremendous other part of her life where I see that she’s getting a ton of pleasure and fulfillment and contrary to what I want to feel, I’m beginning to resent it.
So! My question is how do people in similar situations deal better than I am? When one partner has someone, and the other doesn't, how does the one who's alone deal with what is a - understandably non-typical - feeling of jealousy? And I know that "alone" is an incorrect term because no matter what, I have S at my side.
I want her to enjoy this relationship and get as much out of it as she can, but this has begun to affect my mood and I really don't want that. I want to be nothing but happy for her and not to have my feelings be filtered through this lens of failure I’m feeling about my own attempts at an additional relationship.
Ready... Fix me!