I could be wrong. But I perceive that as this...
"I need to feel connected with my spouse. I would like for it to come as a sex share."
Could let go of the METHOD (sex share) and focus on OUTCOME (I feel connected with my spouse.)
Could maybe ask something like...
"I need to feel connected to you. Would you be willing to hold me for a minute?"
And see if you feel better. Can't force the man to be willing to have sex with you. Could ask if he's willing to share a hug.
You have a boatload of other stuff to deal with on your plate. Maybe other needs too -- need to be reassured, need to share burdens to lighten the load.
Because him breaking up with James does not resolve the other problems. Like his emotional maturity, his up and down moods or his gypsy plan.
What's up with the blame shifting? Calling it your dislike of James rather than James poor conduct or his OWN poor conduct? Asking you if he can still have sex with James not in trio? You could reply:
1) No. I do not want sex with James in trio.
2) No. You cannot go off to have sex with James with my blessing. I cannot and do not control you. But you cannot have my goodwill and blessing on that.
If you are concerned about cheating, if/when you have sex with spouse -- use barrier methods. Better no sex til this is resolved. You don't need cooties.
He still doesn't sound stable to me right now.
Losing one loony villager in the mix (James) doesn't mean you still aren't still living in crazy town. YKWIM?
Could assess him with a clearer eye and evaluate what he is /is not capable of providing you at this time.
Reassure in this case? When his Word is shaky? Dunno. Time will tell. But you could reassure yourself that no matter what happens, YOU can keep on truckin' in taking care of YOU.
Support for unburdening? Maybe you would like a counselor's aid in a difficult time for extra support? (Minister if you have one? Family in real life? Friends in RL?)
Don't get so hung on HIM providing for all your needs that you do not avail yourself to OTHER means of getting some of your needs met so you can make it through a challenging time in better condition.
This isn't FUN. I know. Hang in there.