What an amazing few days it's been.
On Wednesday, Davis and I decided to spontaneously take off work and go to a demonstration together. We had a fun day, topped off with dinner, a movie, and a bunch of very hot, lightly kinky sex. We're embarking on something we've been wanting to do for a long while, sex-wise, and it's nice to have a thing that really feels like ours.
We also talked a lot. I think he's actually doing ok. We talked just a little about Clay, for logistical reasons, and he handled it fine. I asked, again, if all of this is really healthy for him. He said that he has a lot of hope that he'll have a life partner some day, whether it's someone new or whether he and I figure out how to make that work for the two of us, but that for now he is happy and is becoming more comfortable with things.
It amazes me, how good redefining our relationship has been for us. It's like we woke up. I feel like we're more present with each other. I no longer feel conflicted all the time. More and more, I find that I'm thinking of him as my boyfriend again, not as my ex... it's just that that means a different thing now. We saw each other again on Thursday night.
I had off on Friday, and had a leisurely, lazy day at home until Clay got off work. We went back to his place, talked, kissed, fucked, and were generally just incredibly sweet with each other. I spoke of how wonderfully reassuring it was to see that our initial electric passion for each other had successfully mellowed into comfort without guttering out, and he concurred whole-heartedly. I took him out for a type of food he'd never had before, something cheap but delicious. Eddie, my roommate, called, wanting a ride to the queer dance party we were all going to, so we went back to my place and Clay got to see my house and meet my roommates.
The dance party was a hit -- not as crowded as last month, but still nice and full-feeling, great energy, great flow to the music. Lots of our friends were there, including a couple of people Clay already knew. I got to introduce him to Gia, Eric, Helen, and Dexter, all in one go. There wasn't a huge amount of conversation -- it was pretty loud, after all -- but he seemed to have a good impression of everyone and vice versa.
I took turns dancing with Clay, Gia, and Eddie. It was so interesting, to feel the different energy with each of them, to feel how the ways I moved my body changed. I also danced alone, and multiple strangers told me what a good dancer I was. That sort of thing never happens to me, but I wasn't surprised. I felt much more connected to my body and fully in the moment than I normally do on the dance floor, not unaware of myself but not self-conscious either. I felt so good that it just seemed natural to hear that I looked good too.
At one point while we were dancing, arms around each other, Gia told me that she'd missed her passion for me and was so overjoyed to have it back, because I deserved it. She said that she felt like herself again, that she wished she'd gone back on the hormones sooner, that it felt right.
I rested my head against her chest and actually cried a little there on the dance floor. So many difficult emotions, so much want, so much waiting. She apologized for saying such things to me in public rather than waiting. I said that I didn't mind, and I really didn't. I checked in with Clay, but he hadn't minded seeing me be emotional with her... he was smiling quite a bit at us actually, and she smiled in a similar way when he and I were together. Compersion central up in our little poly circle.
Back at my place, later in the evening/early morning, Gia and Dexter and I had a lot of fun making each other feel good. I felt very desired, by both of them, and loved watching them together as well. Gia left around 4am to go home and see Eric and Bee (Eric had spent the night with Helen).
I invited Dexter to stay, and he did. We curled up around each other and dozed until late in the morning. When we woke up, we just laid in bed and talked, touching each other lightly. I'm honestly not that sexually attracted to him, but I'm very very comfortable with him, and I like him a great deal, so that counts for a lot. Things were just starting to get sexual again when Gia showed up for our date, around noon. She had dressed up, and looked amazing. In contrast, I answered the door in a state of complete dishevelment, wearing a robe that I held closed with one hand. She didn't seem to mind.
I invited her upstairs, where Dexter lounged in my bed, still as naked as he'd been when she'd left eight hours ago. In a sweet tone, I asked him to keep her from being too bored while I got ready for my date. I took a shower, then took my time picking out my clothes, remarking out loud over my choices and grinning, as they gasped and moaned on the bed. I suggested that perhaps they ought to fuck, and my plan was well received.
With their permission, I took pictures. They looked amazing together, but mostly it was just *fun* to be so unabashed in my voyeurism.
When they were done, and Gia had put herself back together, we saw Dexter out and decided to walk together to get brunch at a place about 15 minutes away. The walk was lovely, the food was lovely, it was a beautiful warm spring day. On the way back, we stopped and saw some friends of mine, who were busily gardening.
In my bed once more, we held each other and talked some more about this huge change in her desire. She confirmed that she had, in fact, essentially been straight for the last year or so. That she'd wanted me for me, for the closeness, but that it had been strange and different. She said that she'd thought, from time to time, of confessing to me her fears that she would never go back to being bisexual. She never did because she was afraid that, if she said those words, it would lead to a conversation that would result in us breaking up, which she absolutely did not want.
She told me beautiful, deeply reassuring things, and I cried just a little more. I told her how difficult it had been for me, and yet how it had shown me that I could go through the pain and come out the other side, stronger and knowing myself better, knowing our love better.
She cuffed me and tied me down, then proceeded to do all sorts of terribly painful and enjoyable things to me. She wrote her name on my back in welts, and her bouncy enjoyment felt so real and so wonderful. She scratched hearts into my back and, with each one, whispered that she loved me. *dreamy sigh*
IS THE BEST.