You guys are so awesome!! Thanks for the fresh perspectives, on youth, looks, thinking, everything. God it's so refreshing to be able to just DISCUSS this stuff!! Does everyone else in our society just sweep everything under the rug as a matter of course?? I must say, it seems, polyamory (for us) has thrown everything dark and hidden into the light to be seen for what it is and dealt with appropriately including personal feelings of inadequacy, self worth issues etc etc.
Our polyamourous discussions have brought up many gender related issues and it's interesting to think about the dynamic of what we're taught that it is to be "a woman" or "be a man" and how it relates to our sexuality and how we view ourselves.. It might be hard for people to understand, but I have NEVER really been a "make-up, do hair" type person only because at an early age, I pretty much gave up on trying to look good as a girl and basically quit doing all that stuff. I was a very nice caterpillar, but didn't seem to blossom into the butterfly that other girls seemed to effortlessly become. Too many people were judgmental and critical at my attempts to fit in to the demands of the female gender.
I was gender-variant enough to make a decision to "be a man" and not care about any of that stuff... made my way through years of sexual conquests... Then I became a single mom for thirteen years. This period of "extreme alone time" (basically most of my twenties plus a lot of my thirties) solidified even more my desire to resist femininity and all it entailed. I became a stubborn hermit and rejected almost everyone who was interested in me. This was like a sexual dormant phase and during that time I began to think maybe trying to look "like a girl" might be a good idea. I bought make-up and wore it at work and on the few dates I had. However I have not really wanted to try too hard until now. It's just another phase of development, or poorly timed adolescent experimentation, in my opinion.
I may have not wanted to go there in the first place, but only because my development was thwarted by school abuse and non-understanding adults. Now, I'm trying the whole "girl" thing since I'd never really given it a shot when I went thru puberty. I want to see where this all goes, feels almost like a sex change of some sort, even though I've been solidly female-identified my whole life (I'd wished I were a boy because of the convenience, not because I thought I was one). If the "other girl" is causing me to actually think about and deal with this stuff, that's GREAT!!