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Old 03-31-2013, 12:53 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Are you saying then that you would be envious that your wife would have another close person to share burdens with and you would not? If so, the solution could be to develop such relationships with family, friends etc and create the support network for yourself to resolve the envy.

Shoot, people could have that support network already in place for their OTHER problems -- life happens. Births, deaths, car issues, house issues, child care emergencies, being sick... people need other people!

As for arguments? I don't argue like that with my spouse any more. That was more in our first few years together when we were still learning how to "fight fair" and resolve conflicts without temper fits as young married 20's people. Like anything else, those kinds of relationship skills are learned and then honed over time.

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_81.htm

is not exactly how we deal with it now, but close enough. A lot cooler and calmer and we've learned to plan ahead so as not to bump into conflict things later down. It's easier to head it off at the pass in the planning process and say "I see where a potential conflict could happen here... we need to sort that out before finalizing the game plan. Have you considered that...."

I would rather my partner not be out driving around while highly emotional. Driving mistakes can happen. I rather they stay home, and I could go out to give them space. Or if they want to be elsewhere go elsewhere then -- to the other partner is fine with me. A friend. Mom's house. Whatever. I can drive you! We can make other arrangements. It depends on the "volume" of their upset.

Having a "time out" to recollect composure when upset is valid -- people can get "too full" or tired and can no longer take things on board. Some things take more than one session to full break down and deal with.

Quote:
I don't think I'd have as much of a problem with her seeking comfort from another man, but I am afraid of what the act of having sex with him under those conditions may cause me to feel.
What feeling(s) do you fear feeling? Are you fearing she'd be having sex so she can use it later to hurt you? Neener neener style? And how would you know they had sex anyway?

Seems weird to me to have a thing with my husband, he goes to see his lover for comfort and then comes home and announces to the household "I had sex while pissed off at you! Ta da!"

I'd be startled to receive unrelated news like that because to me it would be like "And your sharing this announcement at this time in this fashion is intended to do WHAT exactly to move conflict resolution forward?"

Because it doesn't. And besides... I could have done a lot of things myself in the time he was away. Mowed the lawn. Gone out. Slept. Taken over the world. So what you had sex? Maybe I had sex or masturbated or peed or ate my dinner? How's them apples? Life did not stop just because we had a fuss pot. TADA!

Sheesh.

I'm curious as to why wife is "what iffing" her having sex with lover when over there and asking you for your reaction. Isn't them having a sex share on their tier of relationship? What's it got to do with the conflict problem on YOUR tier of the relationship? The argument thing? Nothing.

Could keep the focus on the problem at hand -- conflict resolution.
  • How your both handle conflict resolution.
  • If info is shared with others, how much information to share or not about personal stuff going on in your tier of relationship in the polymath. And then how that is shared -- orally? In writing? With/without your knowledge that it was shared? Because it is your info too. To me, the hinge is responsible for keeping the TMI wall -- and all players agree how high the wall is. Some like no wall -- some want some privacy.

The only time sex with her lover during conflict time with you would enter into it, is if she plans on using "sex as a weapon" to hurt you or as leverage to get her way in the conflict resolution process. Like... "Let me have my way or I'm leaving to go have sex with my lover and not you!" or something.

And that's not a healthy attitude toward sex or to the people one is in relationship with.

If right now you do not know how you would feel -- say so. Maybe say something like...

"I do not know how I would feel in that situation. I have not experienced that situation before.

If you are asking my preference at this time? Not knowing how I would feel?

I prefer you not have sex. Or at least, not TELL me you had sex in that relationship while over here in our own relationship area we are doing conflict resolution.

Giving me distracting extraneous information from another relationship area does not help me focus or be more present in our relationship area so I can do my part to help move our conflict resolution forward."

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-31-2013 at 01:01 AM.
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