Time for an update: 3 weeks ago, after my husband nearly broke up with me, many fights, many tears and some broken glass... he finally kicked James out of our lives! It was extremely hard to make him do it (fortunately the boy did some mistakes that worked in my favor, such as buying a webcam for porn shows and even told me "go fcku yourself").
Eventually my husband understood that he had to stop changing rules every time James f-ed up, so he told him things weren't going to work ... because James and I clash too much. Now, I wish he would have admitted it was because James is a mess, but even after all this, my husband STILL wanted to remain friends with him (which I know would again lead to James being once again "considered" in a full time position for a trio). He even said "Ok, you guys don't like each other, but I'm attracted to him, could I meet him alone, just for sex?" Seriously...
Conclusion: he isn't having contact with James, not as far as I can tell. I've been monitoring WhatsApp and Skype, and since James didn't block me on neither of those (but I asked him to block my husband) it doesn't seem like they've been having any contact for the past 3 weeks. However, my husband works as a freelancer and sometimes spends 4 nights of the week out: while I don't think they are meeting (James lives very far) I don't know if they are talking on the phone/email.
So, now that James is out... it leaves me with the other part of the problem: that my husband told me that he wasn't sexually attracted to me, which really hurt me. I'm young, attractive and I'm working out and doing progress, it really hurt me when he said he wasn't sexually attracted to me.
Ever since, sex has become a big deal for me. When we don't have sex (and since he is usually gone for half the week) it makes me feel "in danger", that something is wrong. Before James, we used to have sex once or twice a week, which isn't much ... but I got used to it. Now, well.. we did it 3 times this month (March), so that doesn't even make it once a week.
Since it's only been 3 weeks that he broke contact with James (and he didn't want to do it) I imagine that he is hurt and stressed. But I'm also hurt and stressed! It stresses me that he wanks twice a day when he has a pretty good husband who would like to have sex. It stresses me that when he wakes up at 6am ( and I'm clean and ready) all he does is "Good morning.. go back to sleep" and goes to the other room and wanks.
I feel that now that I know that our relationship was/is in danger, I evaluate everything to the most minute detail. Maybe I'm seeing problems where there aren't.