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Old 03-30-2013, 04:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,211

I do not think that asking someone to support you in your decisions and pursuing your dreams is unreasonable. Support should be a given as long as you are not trying to hurt anyone or do something illegal.
Asking? Sure. That's reasonable.

Expecting to GET it JUST because you asked? That's kinda entitled and not taking Si's willingness or needs into account. The very problem of "Consider others" that Matt was trying to point out.

I am not comfortable with the "should" word there. In my own life I prefer using "could."

Si could give her support right now if she were willing. Right now she is not willing for whatever reason. Who knows. Maybe from HER point of view she prioritizes her own self care needs and having a time out to regain composure right after a blow out experience like this?

Matt had to have his time out -- and rightly so! To regain his own footing and sort out his stuff.

Si's gotten dumped by Matt, she's on rocky footing with you, there's major life changes that can and do affect her in her polyship coming soon with the move thing.

Maybe she doesn't feel willing right this minute to be tending to you by giving you support because she has to put her own oxygen mask on first. I find it odd that you expect support and listening and consideration from Si when you yourself were not giving support and listening and consideration to Matt.

Look, you are going to feel things. Guilt is one of them. A big thing went down for ALL of you. Something you all co-created.

Hey...I got to be myself, be with the people I loved, but in being myself and following my true nature, you could say that I hurt others in my pursuit of happiness. That is an extension of why I feel selfish.
Selfish is not a feeling to experience to me. Selfish is a way of behaving.

I think that could be reframed as...

"Hey, I got to behave the way I did with the people I loved for a time. By behaving the way I did, I hurt others in my pursuit of my own happiness. I was made aware that my conduct was selfish -- I was not considering them when choosing my behaviors. I feel guilty now that I have been made aware because I see I did behave in selfish ways that only considered my needs and not the needs of others.

I would like to feel _____. In future, I would like to behave in a manner that is ________ toward my partners. I now expect ________ from myself and my behavior. "

Could fill in the blanks so you can move it along. In the end you will either change your behavior or not.

Traveling through "Why do I feel guilty?" could be helpful, but it might not be helpful if overdone. I'm not even sure "guilty" is the correct word for what you feel. Could it be "ashamed and remorseful" instead?

Parking it at "guilty" alone is just feeling embarrassed you did do a thing and got called into account. Yes. Guilty as charged. And? So what?

"Ashamed AND remorseful" implies you plan to do something about it to correct your behavior.

Maybe you feel "guilty, ashamed, and remorseful" because you plan to change your conduct.

Maybe you feel "guilty only" because you got called into account, and don't enjoy that. But you don't necessarily want to change your conduct about it because you do not feel ashamed or remorseful.

Only you know how you actually feel at this point in time. Feelings take time to blow on through. Only you know what you want to do about it if anything at all. Everyone has to hold their own emotional baggage.

That may be hard to hear but I mean it kindly: You are always free to choose how you behave. You are not free from the consequences of having chosen that behavior.

Sometimes the consequences are fun to feel. Sometimes they are not. You now have opportunity to adjust your behavior in your next behavior choice.

People mess up.

If your feelings are just making static and you are not good at sorting that out right now? Could just focus on your "behavior done / not done" then. If previous conduct is not serving you well? What you do want to improve about your conduct next? See if that new behavior later ensues in new feelings that feel better to you than the feelings you are feeling right now.

But spending too much time looking backwards? That's facing your future butt first.

One can cry some over burned toast. But sooner or later one must clean up the yuck and get ON with making the new breakfast.

It's good to look back enough to discern what lessons you can learn, but then move forward and APPLY what you have discerned. Not just trade one "going in circles" type hamster wheel for another. If looking over stuff is keeping you in "stuckness" could STOP looking over stuff and just get on with making the improvements in your conduct.

Spending too much time looking for something outside your previous conduct to blame like your "polyness?" Life sucks because of this burned toast stink! Life sucks because I wanted toast for breakfast! Life sucks because of this toaster!

Changing to waffles? Bagels? Could still deal in the same burning problem.

That's not attacking the root of problem -- learn HOW to use to the toaster.

Learn HOW to attend to others wants, needs, and limits and consider them when you choose your behaviors when you are in a relationship. Not just consider you own things. Changing your behavior to execute the new plan to see if it creates a better way of going overall in your relationships regardless of the configuration or number of partners you have.

This is a basic interpersonal relationships skill. This is not a "poly only" thing.

Maybe my trying to make toast analogies doesn't serve you or resonate with you.

But whatever does resonate... Could focus on moving it forward and could change your behavior and could learn your "how to do it better" skills when relating to people.

You don't HAVE to. Nobody can make you -- not internet people, not Si, not Matt. You pick what you want to do next for yourself. You pick how you want to behave next.

But you could consider it if you want to.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-30-2013 at 05:29 PM.
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