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Old 03-30-2013, 11:55 AM
CalShep CalShep is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 9
Default Ideal vs. Reality

The Ideal:

What I wanted: Either a mutual GF or him to have a GF romantically who could be a good friend to me, someone who'd want to hang out even when DH wasn't present. I imagined maybe someone with kids, with a similar life history and interests we could bond over. Someone who was open and loving and totally comfortable with intimacy, so that even if she didn't want to me sexual with me, she would be OK with my presence while she and DH were intimate.

OR

A BF with many similar qualities to DH, someone who could be a good friends for him and/or be bi so what DH could act on his bi-curiosity, someone who was smart and gentle and sweet and fun to be around, someone I could be with while DH was with his GF. In both this and the GF Ideal, I hoped for a long-term relationship where he or she could either move in or find a place close within the same neighborhood.


The Reality:

My only 'relationship' turned out to be a life lesson rather than a life partner. I had zero luck before that finding anyone who wanted more than just an NSA relationship, and even now when I browse I come up empty. I've all but resigned myself to being done with poly on my end.

DH has always had more luck than I, starting with women he'd text with to one he dated casually to the serious GF he's with now. I try not to feel envious and personally undesirable, I really do. But it's hard when I can't find one other person who appreciates me for who I am when DH has found several, most of whom failed not on the basis of him personally but on the basis of him being married.

DH & GF's relationship is brimming with NRE, and I find myself bouncing back and forth from accepting of it to self-depricating. I find myself becoming emotionally distant to spare myself hurt feelings and spare him my tendency to become a basket case. I love him, I like her, their relationship is sweet. I don't want to mess it up. But at the same time, I can't just force myself to not feel like a 3rd wheel. I can't just shut off my poor self-esteem. I've been trying to be more friendly with her, I know DH really wants it and GF seems open to it, but the more I'm putting myself out there, the more I'm feeling like I'm setting myself up for more hurting. Like maybe it will be better to back off entirely, to seal myself off from their relationship for everyone's better interests.

GF will also not be here 2 years from now. This is a temporary thing- I mean, unless DH gets motivated to take a work promotion that would allow him to be transferred elsewhere. But I still don't think we would be able to live where GF wants to end up living, being as DH's work doesn't have locations our that way. But I also don't know how I'd feel about him developing such feelings for her that he'd be willing to try and relocate for her. I've told myself, and others, for years that love multiplies, that you can truly love more than one person at a time.

So why is the possibility of them falling in love so scary to me all of a sudden? Why can I not let go of the deep-seated insecurities that I've had since the beginning of our relationship (that I thought I'd gotten rid of, until recently) that he'd only be with me till he found someone better? When he's proved over and over again that he's in it for the long haul?
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