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Old 03-30-2013, 11:30 AM
CalShep CalShep is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 7
Default Two, sometimes three minds about this

So, for the past 5 years or so husband and I worked up to poly, and in the last 6 months had started dating. I've had very little success, while currently he is in a very successfully launched relationship.

The first problem is ideal vs. reality. He would love for his GF and I to be besties (since she is straight and no romantic option). In reality, we're both very similar- but unfortunately that includes being introverted and withdrawn and slow to open up socially. In my case I also have issues with anxiety and if I'm feeling "pushed" or "encouraged" toward something- I start fighting back for no good reason. For example-

Just recently DH gave his GF my cell number so she could text me sometime. No big deal, right? Well, except 1.) I wasn't informed of this plan beforehand, and 2.) when I went to browse their texting convos he admitted they'd been 'conspiring' and asked me not to read it. Now, trust has been a bit of an issue in our relationship- he on occasion will (most often subconsciously) hide things that he thinks might set me off or hurt my feelings (e.g. convos with other women that turned explicit without my knowledge/consent) I do feel like he does have a reason- I have anxiety and depression that is being treated now but has been a problem in the past. But he also just seems to hide things other times even if we've talked about them and I told him it's OK. So I basically have a huge pet peeve about info being kept from me. On top of that, I do NOT like surprises of any sort. I have a vivid, pessismistic imagination so my mind immediately goes to worst case scenario. Plus, I don't do well caught off-guard. I need time to plan, to consider if I'm OK with a situation before I'm thrown into it. So...I freaked out. Big time. He was at GF's house at the time and I blew up his phone texting. When he admitted all it was was having given GF my number, I told him I wasn't comfortable with that, that I'd been working up the gumption to talk to her about texting sometime but I wasn't there yet. And now my "flight" reaction has kicked in and it's two more steps back for a me/GF friendship.

Another issue is my indecisiveness. I'm turned on by the thought of him being with another woman, which was what sent us into the poly discussions. But again with the reality vs. ideal, not only is GF exclusively his partner, but I don't see her being OK with me being present while they're intimate. Which I understand and respect- it's just hard. Going into poly, I imagined we'd share a partner or each have separate partners or at least I'd be friends with GF to the point of us hanging out even if DH isn't around- none of which is happening. We're solidly a Vee, which I've been trying to be OK with but now I'm seriously struggling. My brain, my logic says I'm cool with him having a relationship. That GF is a neat person, they make each other happy, it's great. But my emotions flare up and I start wondering if I can do this. Which is hard, because in no way would I want to hurt their relationship. It's maddening.

In another example, tonight was the first night he slept over at her house. I had a few reservations but muscled past them and told him OK. They hadn't hung out in a while and I didn't want to be selfish. So, I'm smacked with insomnia, waking up every hour or two and each time being disappointed he's not laying next to me. He finally comes home to get some rest before work, so I ask him about his visit (which is one of our agreements, that I want to hear every last detail about everything). He tells me about it, but speaks mostly in generalities. Like, "well, we talked, cuddled, made out a bit. There was some heavy petting, then we fell asleep." I pressed him a bit for more info, like what the "heavy petting" involved (we've talked on how I need to feel informed on how deep their relationship is going, plus again, it tends to arouse me so I thought it would dispell my emotions). He was hesitant. I wanted to hear a play-by-play, and he just gave a few extra broad details with qualifiers like "I might have..." I got frustrated and upset. Told him it felt like he didn't want to talk about it, and wound up rolling over away from him quietly till he fell asleep. I felt if he wasn't going to be forthcoming I wasn't going to press the matter, but it still had me upset.

So, coming up, tonight we're supposed to be going out on a dinner date with GF. Now I don't want to go not to stop him from going, just excluding myself). She asked a while ago if he could go out of town with her on a day trip for her birthday- I had ultimately given my consent, then suggested bringing the kids up in a seaparate vehicle so they could attend the zoo (where GF wanted DH to take her). They were both OK with it- but now my gut reaction is I don't want to go anymore. I'm pushing away emotionally and I know it, but I don't know how to stop it. I'm struggling with walking the line between being a peripheral to their realtionship and having facets of it that I'm stright up not part of.

So, now I'm full of doubts. Does he just want privacy as far as their intimate relationship? Does he have a right to it despite what we've discussed (my wanting to hear about every little detail)? Do I want to keep trying to be somewhat included in their relationship at the risk of feeling like a 3rd wheel all of the time? How do I balance my feelings and needs against GF's without getting down on myself?

The other hard part is DH is a great partner for the most part. He's one in a million. He's always very reassuring of my feelings- like before he left last night made sure to snuggle up to me to make me feel loved- though the whole time I was stuck on the thought of it being a 'consolation prize' for him getting extended time with GF, so I couldn't really enjoy it. I just wanted to disconnect emotionally so he could just go and I could just find other things to occupy my mind.

I just feel so ridiculous. On the one hand, she's great, he's great, they're great together. He's still loving and attentive to me, and considers my feelings most of the time, and if he slips up it doesn't seem intentional. I'm in this conundrum of wanting to express my feelings but to not feel too demanding. I want to be able to say, "I really could use having you to myself this evening," but don't always want to have to say it- want him to just spontaneously want to spend time just the two of us.

Can anyone help me get myself sorted?
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