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Old 03-30-2013, 09:55 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 521

Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
how do you deal with people that do not support our life style? my family is very old school italian family and very against it. even though i really have not completely told them. but they keep telling me that its wrong, he is going to leave me for her, and im a embarrassment to the family. god that is hard to say/type. pretty much i am not talking to them about it and not involving them in our relationship with her. I've come to the conclusion that i am 30 yrs old and can no longer let them control me or my thoughts or feelings. Both of us are really falling in love with her and i refuse to let my family mess it up.
This is the part I have something to say about.

Marcus gave you excellent advice earlier, namely:

"You are responsible for your own feelings."

Now I would like to remind you that this applies to your family members as well. Your mother, your father, your siblings and grandparents and just everyone is responsible for their own feelings. If they feel embarrassed about what you are doing, that is their problem and not yours. Their telling you to be "the embarrassment of the family" is showing that they really do not take that responsibility to be their own.

In my opinion, this kind of behavior is closely linked to something called "honor violence". In a narrow sense honor violence is most often associated with islam: violence muslim women face if they do not follow the rules of the religion and culture, thus fouling the honor of their male relatives. In a broader sense honor violence includes all acts of violence against anybody that are motivated by sustaining the honor of a community of people, whether it is a family or a religious cult or whatever. Now note that an act of violence does not need to be physical, words can do just as much harm.

What advice could I give you? You seem to have understood already that you do not have to put up with their behavior. It is a good idea not to let them mess up your life and your happiness. Make your own choices and stick to them, that will make you happy in the long run. It might result for some or all of your family members despising you and not wanting to be with you, or as well they might get used to your choices and accept them in the end. Either way, you will be able to find balance and happiness in your life by being true to yourself and not letting them dictate. It is their choice whether they want to be part of your life or not. Also, if being with them continuously makes you feel bad and unaccepted, you can choose to cut your ties with them. That is a drastic action and hopefully not needed, but should be mentioned as an option, too.

As a whole your story sounds to have a positive tone, and I hope it all goes well for you!

Last edited by Nadya; 03-30-2013 at 10:52 AM. Reason: typos
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