I really wish it was because of religious reasons. Boy, do I ever? Too bad that is not why I am feeling guilty at the moment. I walked away from the church before, and if I had to venture a guess, I could do it again.
It is not that I was even mad at myself or disappointed. While I was by myself, I started thinking about the positives and the negatives in this situation and polyship. The negatives seemed to outweigh the positives by a landslide. Our style is not one where the outside relationship enhanced the marriage, improved communication, or anything else. The outside relationship and everything else damn near murdered it. At this point, it is not rehashing the past. There are things that I have to go back and look at it, so that I can try not to make those mistakes again. It is realising that I was oblivious to everything that was going on and going wrong because of my beliefs and who I am. It was a domino effect of sorts. If I was not poly, then Matt would not have been displaced by another relationship because there would be no other person. If I was not poly, Matt and my MIL would not have been on the outs all that time. If I was not poly, would my husband have felt the need to be over 16k km away from me to find peace? If I was not poly, would I have still ignored him and what he had been telling me for ages? If I was not poly, would we even be in counselling for any of these issues? These are the thoughts that have crossed my mind, which is why I am taking a step back and wondering, "Who has poly really benefited but me?"
I could see if we had blindsided her, but Si was well informed. It was distant then, but it is a reality and happening now. I am none too pleased with Si's whole attitude or the way she is acting. I cannot and will not let that stress me out. My life is going on. I have reached out to her every day since I returned from Verbier on Sunday. I have been blown off every day, so I am like whatever, child. What I do need is for her to remember that this is not about her. It was about her so much that I lost sight of the most important things to me. That was my dose of reality. She feels like I am leaving her. It is not like that. The bigger picture is it is what is best for the entire family. I cannot make her understand that. Personally, I have outgrown this place, and if I want to ever advance in my career, I have to make concessions. People move all the time for their careers. So, yes the move is necessary and serves as a two-fold purpose. We have a family to provide for and a child who is old enough to attend school, so changes were inevitable. I do not think that asking someone to support you in your decisions and pursuing your dreams is unreasonable. Support should be a given as long as you are not trying to hurt anyone or do something illegal.
I am trying not to act now with all the guilt, but my said true nature has caused many problems. I have to face that and deal with it. Assuming the hinge guilt wears off, at what point does it ever go back to feeling like it was all or ever worth it? In the moment, it seemed like it was. Hey...I got to be myself, be with the people I loved, but in being myself and following my true nature, you could say that I hurt others in my pursuit of happiness. That is an extension of why I feel selfish.