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Old 03-29-2013, 09:30 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I have been respectful in all my questions, I am genuinely seeking understanding. I feel if he invited me into this world he knew was completely foreign to me, he has some obligation to help me through it if he wants me to stay here. Just as I would help a visitor to my city navigate the streets and sights. Especially someone I greatly cared about and hoped would come back and spend more and more time with me, and maybe even join me permanently.

I feel if he's this frustrated with what I thought was a rather simple, innocent question, he needs to think about why.
This sounds like a communication issue. Perhaps he didn't understand that you were asking, "What does it mean to you?" Perhaps a good follow up question would have been, "How does your marriage enhance OUR relationship?"

A lot of what is said on here, in every situation or posed request for help, is to communicate communicate communicate. One of the first 'pitfalls' we fell into was that no one really tells you HOW to communicate. We all do it differently, we all think what we are saying and asking is clear and exactly what we mean or are wanting. It's not. Books on Non Violent Communication are great. It feels silly sometimes, I will admit, but it works.

BF and I have just been through a rough spot where we felt we were having the same conversation over and over, each making the same points each feeling the other wasn't hearing them or 'getting it'. He was very reluctant to read a book. Who reads a book on how to work out a relationship problem!? We do. It still produced tears, but we finally got through it today. By being able to express what we really felt using only "I" statements and mirroring back what we though the other felt. "Okay what I hear you saying is. . . " This was valid even though we had to text and email through it. We were able to finish it up with the all important, "Okay what do you want or need for this to change, solid actions by me."

I'm sure you are both frustrated, it's frustrating when you have no idea how ELSE to say what you feel you've already said over and over and are not getting clear! So not only communicate communicate communicate, but how you communicate. If it helps the book we used was Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life by Marshall B Rosenberg. He's even considering reading the five love languages of men now!
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Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year
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