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Old 03-29-2013, 08:47 PM
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Especially since things with Si are not as great as I would prefer. She has an issue with us proceeding with the plans to move, and in turn, she is shutting me out. Matt has tried to offer solutions and different approaches for my relationship with her. Until I can work through this guilt and figure out why it is here now, I may need to step back from my relationship with Si.
From my limited impression, it sounds like Si is accustomed to getting her own way and doesn't like giving that up. While there were some communication problems at times, I got the impression that she also flat-out ignored your and Matt's wishes at times, e.g. calling before coming over.

Shutting you out because she doesn't like your choice could be described as juvenile and manipulative. If she truly accepted her role as co-parent, then the children's needs would be her top priority. In reality, it's clear that her own wants are more important to her than your children's needs. Your daughter has chosen this school because it feels right to her. That's really important in a youngster's life. You and Matt feel this is the right school for her, so much in fact that you're willing to uproot your lives to make that a reality for her. If Si thinks that she's more important than your whole entire family, then she's not behaving with maturity and responsibility.

When you've got one person in your life who throws tantrums (e.g. shutting you out) when she doesn't get her way, and another who is complacent and puts others' needs before his own, it's easy to let your own behaviour give in to the person who's most difficult to please. I imagine the realization that that's what you've been doing is a major source of these guilty feelings.

Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
No, but I like being able to just be me and if I like someone behave as I feel appropriate without worrying that it's something a married woman shouldn't be doing.

Now, personally I don't believe in 'hardwired poly'. You can be hard wired non mono, but poly sort of entails a relationship type.
I'd always believed in "hardwired poly," but the way you put it is really resonating with me right now. Perhaps it's because I've been becoming ever more frustrated with labels in general, and I think I'm getting to the point where even "polyamorous" is too much. I'm just me. I have the capacity to love multiple people, and the behavioural maturity to express that relatively successfully, with compassion and consideration for my partners without giving up freedom and autonomy for myself. So I do it.

Labelling myself as polyamorous was a way to get over that hump. It allowed me to feel like I was, I don't know, part of something bigger, or whatever. Not just hacking this away on my own, but drawing on the knowledge and experience of others who were "like me." But as I get more of my own experience to draw on, I find that I no longer need the label to accept that part of myself.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
This guilt of mine just hit out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. It was so bad the other day that I seriously contemplated ending the relationship and just keeping the marriage closed. I have no idea why these particular feelings are so incredibly strong these days. That part of who I am just feels wrong now. Poly is something I have always been and something I have always believed in, but these days I cannot even begin to explain these feelings.

I know that we could have communicated better and all of that, but even in accepting that something is so incredibly off with me after all of this. It seems like all of this happening was a reality check and a wake-up call for me to either shape up or ship out. It is so much deeper than this tiff.
GG's so completely right when she talks about "behaviours" vs "feelings" and "thoughts." Your behaviours are what you need to be held accountable for, they're what you need to strive to control for harmonious interactions with other humans, and they're what you should change first if ever you want to change feelings and thoughts.

From what I've read, you've made some mistakes in your behaviour and these mistakes have contributed to some of the problems your family is experiencing. That doesn't mean the feelings that motivated these behaviours are wrong. It just means you need to be more careful, in the future, about how you take care of your needs without ignoring those of others.

I feel guilty about things that happened years ago. I started thinking about how he was at odds with his entire family because of me and my relationship. His mother has still not accepted my girlfriend. She makes it known that Si is not welcome in her home or anywhere close to family functions. I feel guilty about their relationship being on the outs because he chose to defend me and my beliefs. They have made up, but it took years. Indirectly, I now blame myself for coming in between Matt and his mother.
Looking back with what you know now, perhaps it would have been possible to just not tell them. If they're not involved in your every day life (i.e. finding out is not inevitable) and telling them is going to create major conflict just for the sake of "I want everyone to know everything about me," then there's no harm in letting them believe that you're the perfect little white picket fence monogamous couple they imagine you to be. It doesn't change the situation, since Si isn't allowed at their place either way, and it smooths interactions with them.

Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and what's done is done. But that just means telling them was a mistake, and there's no point in holding on to guilt and sorrow over a mistake that you didn't know better than to avoid.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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