working it out? and needing a witness
Hi. I'm hoping for advice, inspiration or just to be heard and understood.
I'm very new to the idea of polyamoury, and indeed even to monogamous relationships. Since the spring I have been blessed to grow and share life with an amazing partner, my first. We moved to the city for winter and grew a little stagnant; we talked about giving eachother more space for clarity. We always knew that, should some important connection with another person come up, we would discuss it first and then let our hearts lead the way.
Then, very suddenly, my partner and a mutual friend discovered a deeper connection and shared very intimate space...They told me almost immediately, giving themselves a day to deal with their fears. The problem was that the night before they slept together they kissed, but they didnt contact me then....
Since that time my partner and I have been more connected, invigorated and passionate than ever. He is still very in love with me, and my core feeling has been that it is silly for me to deny my love for him. We tried to take space from eachother out of town and ended up spending all that time together.
My partner is a wonderful creature who has alot to offer everyone he comes across. He is undergoing huge personal growth right now and I fully support his journeys. I want him to be able to spread his wings and go where his heart desires. He feels he needs to explore and understand many different types of connections that he often holds back on. I understand this. I also understand how appealing he is to so many women, and men, we meet. I had always know this, but it hadn't become a problem.
That being said, it is extremely difficult for me to be making this transition, if that is what we are doing, into an open relationship. He is confused too- he sees my pain and wonders if it is the best thing for us to continue.
We are taking this all bit by bit, understanding more as time goes on. I feel that this challenge, a beautiful lesson in itself, could further strengthen us should we continue our journey 'together'.
I don't want to be attatched to him, to hold him back. I dont want to keep myself in a situation that i may not be up for, one that causes so much pain for me.
The three of us all talked the day he told me, and I hugged her and eased her fears. But since that day, I have been very angry with her. I have released this so many times, but it comes creeping back in different forms. I feel betrayed and repulsed by my sister, who told me only days before sleeping with my partner that she was in love with someone else, after i shared with her a deep secret of a new joy i had found with my partner. I know she has her own personal issues with confusion in love right now. She is also experienced in polyamoury. But I wonder what this girl thought of me when she asked to kiss my partner. My partner is curious of their connection, but also of others he comes across. I have had much guilt over my anger with this girl, and the fact that i have lost respect for her. I am slowly releasing that as well.
I'm not sure if I can handle an open relationship with my love, but I dont want to turn my back on love either. What if by continuing I somehow dishonour myself?! But this is not how my core feels about it... I don't have a one question, I only want to share with people who have wisdom of these things and hopefully gain insight and therefore peace. Thanks for reading all these words.
Last edited by spectaculove; 01-10-2010 at 02:16 AM.