I think it is normal to feel whatever you feel right now. You are reviewing the past to see what is/is not on your plate of responsibility. That's fine. It takes TIME to digest a load like that. So... could take the time to process it and be ok with it taking time to process. It's gonna feel yucky in some places. That's ok.
When you are done letting those feelings blow on through... Could consider this:
You seem mad at yourself and are disappointed in yourself. I don't know if this helps any:
It's written as feeling angry with someone, but it could be read with the lens of feeling angry at self.
You seem to want to do penance? Or is it make ammends? Which is it?
And before you do all that... when do you find it in you to be able to forgive yourself for disappointing you?