This guilt of mine just hit out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. It was so bad the other day that I seriously contemplated ending the relationship and just keeping the marriage closed. I have no idea why these particular feelings are so incredibly strong these days. That part of who I am just feels wrong now. Poly is something I have always been and something I have always believed in, but these days I cannot even begin to explain these feelings.
I know that we could have communicated better and all of that, but even in accepting that something is so incredibly off with me after all of this. It seems like all of this happening was a reality check and a wake-up call for me to either shape up or ship out. It is so much deeper than this tiff.
I feel guilty about things that happened years ago. I started thinking about how he was at odds with his entire family because of me and my relationship. His mother has still not accepted my girlfriend. She makes it known that Si is not welcome in her home or anywhere close to family functions. I feel guilty about their relationship being on the outs because he chose to defend me and my beliefs. They have made up, but it took years. Indirectly, I now blame myself for coming in between Matt and his mother.
I have started this path of discovery, but I feel like I am undergoing a metamorphosis and a massive overhaul. Matt is puzzled. He has been trying to qualm my concerns and lessen my guilt by assuring me that he does not or did not feel the same. If I cannot get my guilt under control, poor Si is going to end up with a broken heart and I will be testing the waters of monogamy. I am following the path. Only heaven knows where it may end.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Last edited by FullofLove1052; 03-29-2013 at 05:20 AM.