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Old 03-29-2013, 03:56 AM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 451
Default Three New Things

First, I seem to be successful, so far, in keeping my anxiety at bay while Vix is in Europe.

I stayed home from work on Tuesday because of illness, and slept much of the day. That night, though, I had trouble getting to sleep at all. My head started spinning with all the things I need to do, things I haven't done, the things I may have forgotten I had to do, how my to-do list is months out of date, and there is a sink full of dishes, and aren't taxes due in two weeks, and . . .?

I mostly just observed the swirling, as if from a safe distance. I realized, as I lay there, that during Vix's past absences, I would blame that rising panic on her absence, on her own disorganization, on the complexities of being poly, on . . . anything not in my control.

I decided I should go a different way, to see what I could do on my own to get things in order, and to just not worry about the deeper household chaos over which I have little direct control.

The next morning, I organized and updated my to-do list, and started ticking things off as I did them. I'm still a little tired from my illness - a very fast-moving norovirus that has been going around - but I've been managing, to keep up with myself, more or less.

One important test came today when I learned of a late-day meeting I have next week that will keep me from getting back home to chauffeur the girls around. Chatting with Vix online, we just dealt with it, trying out various alternatives - having this friend pick up that kid, etc. - without even a hint of blame or resentment or exasperation.

I'll count that as progress.

Second, I'll be having lunch with Nyx early next week, and I'm really looking forward to this. I know she reads this thread, from time to time, so I don't want to say too much. (Hi, Nyx!) I will say that I've come around at last to the full realization that I've missed her quite a lot, since August, and will be glad to see her.

I don't know what our relationship may become, or what it's boundaries may be, but I look forward to finding out.

Third, in an unexpected development, I've struck up an email correspondence with she-on-whom-I-had-a-crush-but-for-whom . . . okay, enough of that.

I'll call her Metis, for reasons intended to be utterly obscure.

After the first confession of my longstanding affection to her, and her firm reply that she does not reciprocate my feelings, we seem to be opening up to one another as friends. At least, I further confided in her how foolish it always makes me feel to tell people how I feel (including about how foolish I feel - deal with that!). A little later, she confided in me about her recent struggles with anxiety and depression, and off we went, trading confidence for confidence, talking about our anxieties and their roots.

It's not all gloom, mind you. There's a fair bit of joking, and some digressions about television science fiction, books, work, and other matters. She says our conversations are helping her, and I really hope that's so. I know they're helping me.

This is the odd thing, though. Before, when I thought of my response to her as "a crush", and agonized over whether and how to tell her about it, and wrestled with the self-doubt and self-pity of the past months, I somehow lost sight of the basic nature of the response itself. Although I do find her really appealing, physically as well as personally, what I mainly wanted was to be close to her as a person; I wanted for us to be open to one another, to be able to trust and confide in one another.

So, with considerable agonizing, I confessed my "crush". I was rebuffed but, as a consequence, Metis and I have started, at least, to do more or less precisely what I'd hoped we might do. We're starting to trust and to confide in one another.

. . . within boundaries, of course, but an honest and open friendship is far better and happier than the stoppered-up agony I was feeling before.

I'll need to watch myself, though, and establish a careful boundary patrol. As we've corresponded, my affection for Metis has certainly not gone away, even if it has changed form and shifted direction. If anything, my affection for her has grown and deepened.

I can imagine very much wanting to express that affection in something other than words.

So, I'll just have to be watchful, and hold my attention on cultivating the friendship for its own sake.

Maybe it's because of all these developments, maybe it's because of the fine spring weather that is returning after an unseasonable cold spell - unless it's because of the cold spell itself, which I very much enjoyed - or maybe it's the lingering effects of the virus, but I've been feeling exuberant for the last couple of days, almost giddy.

Even though I still have a lot to do, I feel at ease and able to express myself almost recklessly to the world.

. . . which may just mean I really should go get some sleep.

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 03-29-2013 at 12:39 PM.
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