You could hold her accountable to your agreements. If she attacks you as a person rather than the problems and behavior done/not done?
You could say "Please do not attack me as a person. I am not attacking you. I am talking about behavior done/not done. I want to know your willingness -- are you willing to work with me to meet my needs? Or not willing to meet my needs? Yes/no?"
Here's the agreements we made.
- being invested in each others lives (as much as they are welcoming me in, I'm doing the same; we're all putting parts of our lives at risk,)
- being accountable for plans and promises (while we understand that compromises and surprises happen, if we say we will reschedule events, that must be acted upon,)
- and most importantly, including each other in discussions that affect each other (such as plans, goals, etc.)
Here are specific examples of agreements broken:
Not being accountable for plans and promises.
- Christmas plans.
- You live out of a bag and do not have a drawer.
Not including the others on life changing plans/discussion.
- Changing jobs with the lateral promotion.
- Coming off BCP and thinking TTC.
This is not upholding our agreements.
Are you willing to apologize for breaking agreements? Yes/no?
Are you willing to make amends for breaking agreements by changing your behavior to get back in line with agreements/promises? Yes/no?
Are these agreements too hard for you to keep any more and you need to renegotiate? Yes/no?
Do you want out of the agreements period? Yes/no?
Are you willing to meet my needs in relationship? Yes/no?
Could wait for her answer, then you choose your next behavior based on information received.
Don't worry about what happens in their marriage. Let them deal with their side of the relationship. YOU deal with your stuff -- and right now, you have a partner who is breaking agreements. Hold them accountable to the standard you all co-created. That is what it was FOR.
Step up to the plate.
If you find she no longer meets your needs for a Jedi Player and she's turning all Muppet Show crazy on ya? Check out. Hard to feel maybe, but pretty straightforward actions! Get yourself out of the line of fire!
When facing a choice that is "this stinks and that stinks?" It feels like lose-lose? Pick the least stinky choice then. You are responsible for your own well being.