Hey everyone! I'm currently in a 'semi-triad' with a married couple (where I've been in a relationship with him since last June, and her and I have been on and off - only fairly recently have we decided to become an involved, equalateral triad.) He is heterosexual and poly-capable, she is pansexual and needs poly (as well as errs on the edge of trans/queer, which he does not know,) and I am bisexual and poly-capable.
Recently, I've been running into a wall, and it feels like something I won't be able to return to. Am I missing something?
To preface the current situation, they have been together for eight years and married for nearly two. He has always wanted the hetero-normative, monogamous relationship with the former 'Girl Next Door' that she used to be, but in that time, she evolved into her own being. She came out as being bisexual, then a cross-dresser, then a drag king, than pansexual, and is heavily drawn to the transgender mindset. They have spent months apart (within or outside of a relationship,) have had non-serious polyandrous partners, etc. She pushed for trying to find 'the unicorn,' and that's where I come in.
He and I met through work last year, and although I had two primary relationships in the time I have been with him as my secondary, him and I are now fully invested in our 'triad' with her. Her and I on the other hand have been on and off (as a fault of my own; this is my first poly experience, and at the time didn't know what I was getting myself into. I didn't to enough research, got in too deep too quickly, and freaked out.) Her and I are now trying to take things slower, partially so she doesn't get hurt again, partially to ease me into the lifestyle, and partially to ease him into the lifestyle. We are currently doing a 'trial move-in' and are debating whether or not we want to become public to family and close friends.
When we were discussing becoming a triad, I had recently seperated with my primary partner at the time, and I made a list with examples of what I need within any relationship. Some of the list includes, but is not limited to:
- being invested in each others lives (as much as they are welcoming me in, I'm doing the same; we're all putting parts of our lives at risk,)
- being accountable for plans and promises (while we understand that compromises and surprises happen, if we say we will reschedule events, that must be acted upon,)
- and most importantly, including each other in discussions that affect each other (such as plans, goals, etc.)
We all agreed that these things were needed and would exist in our relationship. We jumped into our triad, but I find that lately, these three points in particular haven't been held up by everyone, and it's really starting to grind me down. Recently, I've felt more like a kept pet, particularly with her, and it's pushing me away. While I love them both, and I don't want to see either in pain, it has come to a head and seems to be lose-lose regardless. He has stated "Look, Larissa (me) is obviously the only person who this triad could work with long term. If this doesn't work out, I'm never doing poly again. I'm never swinging again. That's it." And she followed it up with, "But what if I need poly?"
I wasn't there for the ensuing conversation, but it has been said by both of my partners that if we as three doesn't work out, they will never try poly again, and it is very, very probable that they will divorce because she wants polyamory and he couldn't do it again.
While the focus has been mostly on him and his comfort about coming out at a trio, I've been struggling. She keeps pushing me out to left field, and I fear that soon, I won't return. Along with the other points, I've been feeling innadequate. I've tried talking to her about it, and the way she has been communicating with and treating me, but I'm hitting that proverbial wall I mentioned before.
She clearly has been the primary. When I recently brought up my concerns about how our last Christmas was handled, she snapped at me multiple times over a few days. Basically, due to work, he leaves from the end of August to the middle of December, but I still didn't see him until after the new year due to their Christmas plans. Regardless of the fact that he and I have been in a standing relationship since.. last June, she said that because we weren't "really poly" aka in a triad with her, that my holiday time I wanted to share with him didn't matter. He and I have tried to reschedule since, but her plans always seem to trump ours, whether by choice or by hijacking. I felt that I had been swept under the rug and pushed into the shadows; last I checked, he and I were in a valid relationship. Instead, I've been written-off as pissy. Did I miss something there?
Last night, she randomly brought up a possible but being considered 'lateral promotion' where she'd be transferred to another city. "You're gone for six months anyways, and since Larissa can do her work anywhere, I'd just take her with me." Wait, excuse me? Prior to last night, neither him or I heard anything
Then came this morning. She suddenly decided that she's probably going off of birth control because she wants kids pretty soon. Barely any conversation with him, no conversation with me. As she put it, if he's gone for months at a time, why should she pay for birth control? And they both assumed that they wouldn't use any other contraceptive (like condoms) to prevent pregnancy. I just think it's (pardon my words) grossly fucked that she wouldn't consider me in 'the pregnancy conversation,' especially given my stance on kids where I desperately want my own family in my life, but it's highly unlikely due to my medical history (I'm a three time cancer survivor and frankly, treatment has really done damage.) I just don't think that if we're unsure about our triad (and they doubt they'd stay married if I left [remember, he wants mono, she wants poly]) that she should even be considering children right now.
As it stands, I don't feel considered, I feel chastized for my wants and needs, and it seems like I'm just a 'filler' for her when he leaves (which is going to be more often now - he's a hunting outfitter, primarily waterfowl hunting, but has recently agreed to bear and deer contracts as well.) I'm a kept pet. I've felt used for sex through deception. I've felt manipulated. I've had to adjust to their living arrangements and routines, instead of them compromising and including my routines too. I'm still living out of a cloth grocers' bag and a backpack on the bedroom floor after two weeks (although it was stated I would at least have a drawer and some closet space for my clothing, and a shelf in the bathroom for my toiletries.) Am I crazy for saying this isn't what I signed up for?
I really just need some outside insight. Lately, I haven't had the opportunity to talk with just him, and when I've brought things up with her, I feel like I'm being attacked. She's fairly reserved, and I know I wear my heart on my sleeve. He likes everything cut and dry, and dealt with promptly. I really dislike talking about things or moving forward without personally processing first; I find it helps to curb accusations, blame, and personal pain. Regardless, I make sure not to place blame or shame on anyone; I just try to talk out what I need on my end, and end up being catagorized and dismissed. So, here it is. I feel like I'm the variable in this situation, and I'm the iceberg bringing down the Titanic. What do I do? What can
I'm at the end of my rope. Simply, where do we go from here?
(If you've made it this far, thank you for reading, and I appreciated any response. Thanks!)