Things with Matt and I are going good. He finally decided to come home last Friday. We spent the weekend talking and making compromises. Some things are absolute hard limits that cannot and will not be broken or bent. He still wants no contact with her, and I respect that. We have decided to continue with the counselling. We made some decisions and agreed to stick with them, as they are in the best interest of our family as a whole (e.g. the move).
Now for the not so good. I addressed this in my blog on here, but I have started feeling guilty and very selfish about being polyamorous. According to some sources, it is "ignorant" or downright "silly" for me to feel that way, and I need to acknowledge that I bring worth and value and what not to the relationship and anyone with me should realise they are fortunate enough to be with me. I disagree with that wholeheartedly. It screams arrogant and like I am the greatest thing invented since sliced bread. I will not be taking that approach or road.
Basically, I do feel that being polyamorous is selfish of me. This is something I have believed in since I was a teenager. I will be 33 later on this year. This is of no influence from my husband but from my own period of introspection. I feel sort of like the mono person in a marriage where the person comes to them and wants to open up the relationship. I found myself wondering...why is one person not enough? Why do I feel compelled to be with two people? A lot of why's that are similar in nature to the questions the mono person poses upon the poly person. Only they are coming from a poly person's POV and have yet to be answered.
I am supposed to be inspired by the desire to give love and believe in my heart of hearts that this will be wonderful for everyone involved. When in reality, it was only wonderful for two out of three. It was suggested that I have low self-esteem because I am feeling selfish. Pure and total rubbish. I am one of the one most confident people in the world. I never have moments of self-doubt, so this is a departure from the norm. I do feel like I am taking something away from the two people with me. With Matt, I feel like I silently gave him the choice to accept me and the way I love or to just walk. In doing that, he had to compromise his core beliefs of monogamy, and for some unexplained reason, I feel terribly guilty about that now. I think that stems from the realisation that I nearly lost my marriage because of my other relationship and my behaviour(s). With Si, I feel like I am only giving her x amount of my time and x amount of time with the children. Like a weekly or daily allotment of sorts. I have no idea why all of this is coming up and out now. This is an unusual feeling.
Matt has been really supportive and helpful. Especially since things with Si are not as great as I would prefer. She has an issue with us proceeding with the plans to move, and in turn, she is shutting me out. Matt has tried to offer solutions and different approaches for my relationship with her. Until I can work through this guilt and figure out why it is here now, I may need to step back from my relationship with Si. I am trying not to do that. We have our own issues that have to be worked out and putting them on the back burner would be a mistake. I am working on myself, my marriage, and now my relationship. We are hanging in there and doing the best that we can.