It is the wee hours of the morning, and I woke up out of nowhere. I have some pretty heavy thoughts on my mind. Matt and our children are sleeping peacefully, so now is the ideal time to air out my thoughts.
I recently stepped back in to the church, and I am calling this a period of discovery. Rediscovering who I am, what I aspire to be, and just improving myself.
Recently, I have started feeling guilty about being polyamorous. I feel guilty about only being able to give my husband some of my time and for not always being there with him in the morning. I feel guilty about not giving my children the chance to experience the societal norm of just having a loving mum and dad. I feel guilty about my husband having to sacrifice his beliefs in order to be with me. I feel like that was entirely too much to ask of him. What did hubby get in return? Displaced and like he was not even home in his own home. I feel guilty about in essence breaking my vows. I feel selfish for getting married and still desiring something more. I feel like that was wrong of me and extremely inconsiderate. I feel guilty for hurting him and everything that has happened.
I am just trying to wrap my head around this sudden guilt. Could this be a result of almost losing my husband and realising that our marriage almost ended because of me being polyamorous? Why do I feel selfish? Why did I ever think one person was just not enough? I have to figure out where all of this is coming from. It is not because of the church. We have not discussed anything of this magnitude.
I have always battled with my religious beliefs, my morals, and the way I live. There are days where I question what has this really done but cause problems and enable me to be happy? It has not enhanced my marriage, but it did almost cause it to end. It is not making me 110% happy because I am feeling guilty and wondering if this is just wrong and selfish of me. Who died and gave me the right to be involved with two people at the same time? Who gave me the right to break my vows and ask my husband to compromise his beliefs so that I could live the way I wanted to? These thoughts are making me feel like ugh.
I have to figure out the root of this issue and chip away at it until the image becomes clearer. Until then, I am a work in progress and struggling to understand where these feelings are coming from. I seriously need to figure out what is going on with me.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.
Last edited by FullofLove1052; 03-28-2013 at 03:10 PM.